Finding Me, Finding You
by oceanwaters2006
Summary: Peeta and Katniss growing back together after the war. Picks up from the last chapter of Mockingjay.
1. Chapter 1

**Author Note: I've written many stories in the past (although all have been taken down from online archives for various reasons) and after seeing Catching Fire (twice) and then rereading Mockingjay I remembered how much I wished there was more details of how Katniss and Peeta healed which inspired me to write again. This may be a one shot, I may end up with more chapters, depends on how the mood strikes me. Takes up somewhere in the last chapter of Mockingjay...**

It's several days before I venture out of the house again. This time, I shower, tame my hair and eat before leaving. It hurts to do all these things, but I've realized that though the cat has been more company than I needed, there's someone just as broken that I need to see too. And he hadn't shown up for breakfast this morning with bread as he had for the past several days.

I knock on Peeta's door several times but he doesn't answer. I know he's home because Greasy Sae said she just left his house. I slowly push open the door and call out for him without a response. Now concerned, I open the door all the way to find the hallway lined with paintings. Some paintings from the first games, some of me with various expressions on my face, some of the second games. I grit my teeth and get by some depicting some of my worst nightmares. I enter the living room to see Peeta sitting in a chair, a paintbrush in one hand and a palette of colors in the other, though it appears he's been sitting there so long that both have dried out.

I see Greasy Sae's eggs and hash still steaming in a bowl on the table beside him, untouched. His hair is a tousled mess, his hands, face and clothes are covered in paint, and in front of him sit four pictures. One of me on some unknown day, looking happy and carefree. One of me from the other day when Peeta had first come home, painted to look just as desolate and broken as I felt. A picture of his family, his brothers and father painted in great detail with his mother more of a shadow in the background. And lastly, a picture of me painted in violent shades of red. The room is filled with many more pictures and I take them in before approaching Peeta.

I see a picture of Prim running through a meadow, beautiful and carefree, and I see another of her funeral. Many pictures of me litter the room, painted in various color schemes and expressions. Finally, I look back at Peeta. I still have trouble connecting this lost boy to the one who had always known exactly who he was and what he'd wanted. The Capitol hadn't just taken away his love for me; they'd stolen parts of his soul, ones I wondered if they could ever be truly healed. I wondered if I'd ever know that Peeta again, or if I'd just have to live with the memories. Just like I lived with the memories of Prim, my father, Rue, the Gale who was my friend who would have never hurt anyone…

However, in small moments I've seen parts of the Peeta I've missed so desperately and I'm hopeful.

Just when the memories are becoming too much, I focus back on Peeta. I came here for him today, this was not another day when I could come to Peeta and let him hold me together.

"Peeta," I say quietly as I approach him.

He doesn't move. I stand in front of him, breaking his line of vision with his pictures. His eyes darken and he is to his feet in an instant, his hand gripping his paintbrush as if to attack me with it. His eyes meet mine and his murderous rage fades as he freezes in place.

"What are you doing here?" he says, almost harshly but his expression softens instantly.

I don't answer right away. Instead, I reach up and pry the paintbrush out of his hand and set it aside then pull the palette from his hand as well and set it down. He lets both his hands fall to his sides and I take one of them in mine like I've done many times before. Only so many of those had been for a show. This time, I hope he can feel that I mean it.

"Since the minute I found out they didn't get you out of the arena all I've wanted to do is save you." I pause as his hand grips mine in return. "I couldn't let that last moment on the beach go unfinished." I meant it as a joke but as I say it I realize it's true. Many things have happened and Peeta and I need to heal our own relationship…whatever that may be.

He studies me for a minute before letting go of my hand and sitting down, I sit up on the table beside him and push the food towards him. He takes the bowl and eats a few bites slowly.

"Thank you for the primroses, they're beautiful," I comment, not really expecting an answer.

He nods, not looking up, but at least I know he heard me. I can feel my energy failing already, in the months since Prim died, I've lost any and all stamina I had. Months…a year…has it been that long? Pitifully, I realize I don't even know what the date is or how long it has been since the end of the world. Or at least, my world. I don't even know if I am another year older or not. Really, it didn't matter.

"How are you?" I ask, my voice cracking because I know there is no easy answer to that question.

Peeta is quiet for a long time. I watch him slowly take bites of food and wish I could shake him and make him be Peeta, my Peeta. The boy with the bread. And I'm sure many people want to do that to me. But nobody has, because wars are not scars that anyone can heal like that. Not the scars that we have.

"I've watched the video's over and over," he says quietly. "Once Beetee broke into the Capitol hard drives he found the videos of me being hijacked, or whatever they want to call it. I know the truth and the lies, but it's still not always perfect."

I look up at the three different pictures of myself in front of him and I realize it's him trying to put pieces of a puzzle together. The first is me before any of this started, there's me after everything is over, and then there is the vision of me Snow had planted in his head.

"How's Haymitch?" Peeta asks.

This surprises me, I would have thought after me he would have gone to check on Haymitch directly afterwards. It is Peeta's nature. But again I have to remind myself that he isn't that Peeta anymore. Peeta now has his own demons to contend with, he can't be the part of the three of us that holds everything together. Tomorrow I will have to visit Haymitch; today this is the most I can bear. I add Haymitch to what is left of people I care about; I have to find a way to take care of him too.

"About the same, I'd say," I answer to the best of my knowledge.

Greasy Sae checks on him as well, if he was any worse, or dead, I would know about it by now. Peeta sits the mostly empty bowl aside and sighs. I wish I knew what he was thinking but I don't even have the ability to guess.

"What do we do, Katniss?" Peeta asks, finally looking up at me.

I look at him and I desperately want to give him an answer. But I don't have one. I've thought about that every day since Prim died. She was the last purpose in life that I'd had. I'd lost Peeta to his own mind, I'd lost my father a long time ago, I'd lost my mother when I'd basically rejected her, I'd lost Gale to the cause and I'd lost so many others to war. What is left? Because if I am just living for me, well that wasn't really good enough.

"We go see Haymitch tomorrow," I answer, surprising myself, because I was been about to tell him I didn't know.

Peeta looks at me, surprised, but nods. "You have to forgive him Katniss, he did what I asked. I don't blame him for this."

Tears blur my vision. "You were always the best of us, Peeta. Why couldn't we leave you in one piece? You deserved it more than me, or Haymitch."

Peeta slides his fingers into mine and almost chuckles. "Obviously, because you are not so easily manipulated when it counts," Peeta sighs and in that I hear all weight of lives lost he rests on his own shoulders, just as I do.

I grip his hand tightly and he looks at me and I feel something powerful course through me. "You are all that has saved my life on more than one occasion; don't ever dismiss your importance. You saved countless lives in 13 with your warning with an internal battle waging I'm sure I never could have overcome. You've fought a battle against your own mind and won, Peeta. You are…" I gulp and lose my voice as flashes of other people with other virtues flash through my memory and before I know it, I'm lying on Peeta's floor crying.

Maybe minutes have passed, maybe hours, maybe days… But Peeta is there; his arms around me, feeling almost stiff and awkward but I can feel his own silent tears in my hair. Somehow he's cocooned us in a pile of pillows and I can feel exhaustion pulling down my eye lids. I can't remember the last night I spent without nightmares.

I can see the sun setting through the window and I hear a mockingjay sing a sweet melody. Peeta is tracing an absent pattern on my arm, and for the first time in a very long time, I fall into a dreamless sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Note: Thank you for all the kind reviewers! So far I have lots of idea's for this story so hopefully they should keep flowing for now. Hope you all enjoy! **

I'd like to say when I woke up the next day I'd found purpose again and life was easier and everything was okay. For a few minutes, it feels like that is the case.

Peeta is breathing slowly, his body relaxed and warm next to me. His arms completely encircle me in sleep. For a few minutes, without opening my eyes, it almost feels as if we are back on the victory tour, and every bad thing that has happened since has been just a bad dream. For a minute, life is okay.

Then I realize that I have to open my eyes and when I walk across the yard to my own house it will still stand just as empty as it did before. I realize that the boy next to me could have woken in the middle of the night, confused to find someone next to him and tried to kill me once he saw who it was. Searching my heart, I can't find a part of me that regrets staying here with him. I need him, just as I always have but have been hard pressed to admit it.

I feel Peeta stir into consciousness and for a moment, I feel his arms constrict and stiffen in confusion. I don't move and after a moment, I feel him relax. I lift my head to look at him and if it wasn't for the scars, for just a moment, he looks just as he did on any other morning on the victory tour. His hand brushes against my cheek and then falls back into place as he lays his head back against the pillows. I didn't miss the hope in his eyes that everything that has happened is just a bad dream, just as I'd wished it moments before.

Neither one of us speak, there are no words left. No comfort to be found in all the holes through our souls and hearts. With him, they just hurt a little less.

Before long, the smell of baking bread fills the room. Peeta bakes; Greasy Sae is making some kind of breakfast mash. She said upon her arrival that she had stopped by last night to make dinner but given the circumstances, had left us alone. Peeta thanks her for all she's done, I nod in agreement. She brushes it off saying it's what she gets paid for, but I can see in her eyes that she would do it anyway and it's that knowledge that adds her to the small list of people I still care about.

After making food and cleaning up everything but the two plates we eat off of, Greasy Sae leaves to take a plate to Haymitch. Peeta and I eat slowly and in silence. He takes the plates to the kitchen afterwards and washes them off as I walk around his living room, taking in all his paintings. I wonder if he's brought most of them back from the Capitol with him when he was released from the hospital.

One catches my eye, it's stuck behind several others and I spend several minutes moving other paintings to get to it. It's small and seemingly insignificant. It's a picture of our old school, several nameless faces of children playing in the school yard. Many of…no, probably all of whom are now dead.

The picture fascinates me and I hear Peeta walk in behind me. He stops and waits but I can't seem to pull myself away from the picture. I see no one I know in it but it means something to me.

"When did you paint this?" I ask.

Peeta comes closer and kneels down beside me. "After the first games, they were carefree and happy, something I wanted to feel again…" he answers quietly.

I glance at him but his face is a mask of whatever he may be feeling. Looking back at the picture, a small example of what life used to be, I realize why it means something to me.

"Was it worth it?"

I don't look away from the picture to see Peeta consider my question. Was it really so bad before? Starvation was our worst problem and it claimed far fewer lives than the war had. Even the games only took two children a year. It seems such a small price to pay now. Then it occurs to me that perhaps that is the thinking that started the games in the first place and I sigh.

"For us? No," Peeta answers with absolute honesty. "We've been stripped of everything for the benefit of people fifty years from now. It will never be worth it for us."

A tear slips down my cheek and Peeta brushes it away.

"But when the day of the reapings pass without incident, we can know that this year twenty three children aren't dying for Capitol amusement. People will have enough to eat, be treated fairly. That will have to be enough."

I have to believe him, because for me, it will never feel like it was worth it. Too many are dead; too many pieces will never go back together for me. For Peeta, too, I suppose. I sit and stare at the picture for a long time. Peeta sits beside me and I see out of the corner of my eye that he still has Finnick's rope as he knots and unknots it. My heart breaks again as I watch his fingers slowly work on the rope.

Finnick had become almost what I'd considered a brother, and he had so much happiness ahead of him in life finally, and it was all ripped away two days from freedom. It wasn't fair. None of this was any fair. It didn't matter, I could scream it to the sky for days on end and it wouldn't change the reality.

Peeta notices me watching him and from his pocket he pulls a second piece of rope and hands it to me. Slowly, I start manipulating the rope to the same patters Peeta is. Finnick was right, it's ten times harder to put yourself back together as it is to fall apart. Especially with no real reason to put yourself back together.

Around noon Peeta stands and holds a hand out to me. I take it, confused, and rise to my feet while putting the piece of rope back in my pocket. He laces his fingers through mine and leads me towards the door. As we step out on the porch and angle ourselves toward Haymitch's house, I remember our conversation from the day before.

"I've wished a thousand times that there was some way for the Capitol to completely erase my memory," Peeta says before we walk any further. "But I'd have to erase you too, Katniss. My every thought seems to be you, whether it was the evil version of you or the girl I threw a burned piece of bread. I know having you in my life in some way is better than no way."

Peeta looks at me and his deep blue eyes are full of determination. "I just think that if I stop acting so…wounded…we have a shot at being friends."

It feels incredibly foreign, like my face has never experienced something similar, but a smile creeps across my face as Peeta repeats almost exactly what he said on the train of the victory tour. He smiles in return and it's the most normal moment I've experienced in ages.

"My favorite color is green," I say and his smile widens.

He is Peeta, my Peeta. He hasn't been lost, just sometimes I'm going to have to accept he's not going to be a perfect version of himself. And just like that, one tight band around my chest loosens and it seems a little easier to breathe.

His expression darkens just slightly and the smile fades from his face as he reaches out to touch the scars in my arm. "Orange isn't my favorite color, not after the…" I nod when he fumbles for words, knowing what he means.

"So what is?" I ask, trying to steer the conversation away from dangerous waters. The fire that burned both my skin and his leads to other pains I don't want to visit right now.

He considers for a moment before answering. "Blue," he says with a nod of his head.

It may seem like something small but maybe we both need to figure ourselves out again before we can figure anything else out. Even if it's something as insignificant as figuring out what our favorite color is.

We walk across the lawns to Haymitch's house and I push the door open to find nearly nothing has changed since the last time I'd opened it. It's just as dirty and littered with empty bottles. Haymitch is passed out on the couch in the sitting room. Peeta and I glance at each other and suddenly I feel like this just isn't good enough. I grab an empty garbage bag and start cleaning.

It takes us hours but as I throw the last bag of garbage out and Peeta goes to wake Haymitch I realize I haven't listed off all the lives I'm responsible for since I started. I'm beyond tired but it was worth it. I look over to Peeta and remember the uninterrupted sleep I had this morning thanks to his presence. I wonder if it was the first time he's slept that well too.

"Did you move me somewhere?" Haymitch asks, still slurring his words as he sits up and looks around.

"No, I'm guessing this is what your house looked like about twenty three years ago when you moved in," I say as I move to the couch and sit down.

Peeta sits beside me and Haymitch gazes at us for several minutes. "You know if you two would have looked like this on the victory tour we might have avoided that whole war," Haymitch throws out after eating a slice of bread Peeta had brought with him.

"Like what?" I ask, gazing at Peeta and realizing I'd reached for his hand as soon as he had sat down. I feel my cheeks tinge and Peeta tries to let go, his eyes guarded, but I tighten my grip and don't let go.

"Like you don't know how to be sane without the other one there," Haymitch says, sitting back and shrugging.

Peeta relaxes and squeezes my hand back. "I think it was too late either way," he offers lightly.

In the back of my mind, I can feel the what if's surfacing. What if I had just realized I loved Peeta then and truly lived like that instead of worrying about hurting Gale's feelings? Would the districts have quieted their rebellion? Would they have realized I was just a stupid girl who was trying to survive? Of course I hated the Capitol, but every step I made in that arena was to save myself, Peeta, and unsuccessfully, Rue. I had never once in that arena believed one girl could bring about a revolution, even if I'd thought it was something good then.

I keep wondering at what point I could have stopped it, or made a different outcome. It wasn't worth it…it wasn't worth it… I can feel it all slipping away again.

"Sweetheart, the war needed a face, and all it did was take yours and run. This was never your fault," Haymitch tries to take back what he said but I can barely hear him over the pounding in my head of all the voices yelling at me that they're dead because of me. That I killed my own sister…

I run for my own house before I collapse in the front yard and desperately wish I'd just die so the pain would go away…

The sun is setting again when I wake up. I'm in my bed, Buttercup tucked up neatly against me and Peeta's hand locked in a death grip around mine.

My eyes meet his and I see every ounce of desperation I feel reflected back in them.

"He's finally dead and he still won, Peeta, he got everything he wanted from me…" I say, still feeling the hysteria brewing.

"Then don't let him take you from me," Peeta says, repeating the very words I'd said to him when he was falling apart. "Stay with me."

Buttercup jumps up at I pull Peeta towards me and let him wrap his arms tightly around me. "Always," I whisper.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Once again, guys, thanks for all the reviews and follows! This story has gotten more than I expected and I greatly appreciate all of you! This is from Peeta's point of view, not something I'd origionally planned on writing, but hey, the muse is in charge, right? **

The woods are quiet. Katniss is flicking the string of her bow lightly on her leg. We've seen several animals pass that she easily could have taken down but she hasn't raised her bow yet. This isn't her first time back in the woods; however it is the first time she's asked me to come along. She seems lost in thought on some matter or another, but she looks like she's happier here then she's ever been back at home.

Something about this place is freeing for her. She's not talking but she doesn't look about to fall apart either.

"You miss him," I comment, oddly enough because my thoughts had been far from her old hunting partner.

She doesn't move but I see her shoulders stiffen. "I miss the friend I thought I could trust with anything."

We haven't talked about Gale and I've heard nothing about him since they walked out of Tigris' shop the day the rebels took the Capitol. As far as I know, Gale is not here but she is still just as fond of him as ever. Her comment surprises me.

"I don't understand," I say and she gazes at me and I can see anger contained there I have only seen directed at two other people. President Snow and President Coin.

It's been weeks since our first visit to Haymitch, some days are better than others but Katniss finally started answering the phone when the doctor calls and it's been easier for her to talk about some things. Some days, we get through a whole day without incident. Some days she falls apart, some days I do, but we're always there to pull the other one through it. When we both fall apart Haymitch comes and finds a way to pull us back in one piece, drunk or not.

"You've never asked why I shot Coin instead of Snow," Katniss says instead of explaining further about Gale.

I shrug. "I figured you would tell me when you were ready. Can't say I disagreed with the decision. Snow was dying anyway, by your hand or another."

Katniss nods. "Coin was just another version of Snow. Of course, you probably didn't experience much of normal life in thirteen but things were no better there than in any of the other districts." She pauses and I see her hand gripped tightly around her bow. "People were just under the illusion it was for necessity. Coin and Plutarch used me, just like Snow did."

"And in the end, she sent me to the Capitol hoping I'd kill you," I interjected, remembering the smug smile on Coin's face as I was loaded up in the hovercraft. I remember wondering if I'd be able to hold on when I realized Coin was counting on me not being able to stay in control.

"Yes," Katniss confirmed. "All out of politics, she knew I wouldn't support her and Boggs thought she considered me a threat to her taking over Panem once the war was over."

Katniss chokes up for a moment and I reach for her hand before she spirals down into grief. She grips mine tightly before taking a deep breath and pulling herself back.

"She wanted to start the games again, making children pay for adult mistakes. Nothing was going to change," Katniss continues.

This puzzles me. "You agreed with the games," I reply.

Katniss shakes her head. "No, but I knew if I didn't agree with her, that I wouldn't make it much past killing Snow."

She slips into her memories and falls silent for a minute. "I talked to him after we took the Capitol and before his execution, you know."

I shook my head, I didn't know.

"When he first came to district twelve to threaten me before the victory tour, we made an agreement to never lie to each other. I'm sure you saw Finnick's broadcast, Snow was dying anyways when I happened to find him in the mansion before his execution from the poison. The hovercraft, the bombs, they weren't his…they weren't dropped by the Capitol…" Katniss voice fades and suddenly the deciding factor in Coin's death makes sense.

She'd killed Prim, along with many other defenseless children. Then again, Snow was never known for telling the truth.

"Katniss, you can't take his word for it, he could have been lying to… I don't know… get inside your head," I try to rationalize.

She shakes her head again. "He had nothing to lose, Peeta. He was going to die, the war was over. I was already broken and had lost everything I cared about. Whatever happened then the Capitol was never going back to the way it was. He gained nothing from telling me that."

"Except breaking the last bit of sanity you had," I suggest, it seems exactly like something he would do.

Again, Katniss shakes her head, dismissing my comments. "The bombs, the first going off then luring in the medics only to have them explode again…a hunting snare. Something Gale had designed. In all the battles I never saw a bomb like that from the Capitol. And Snow was right, if he'd had a hovercraft why wouldn't he have been far away, or taking out the rebels with it…"

A hunting snare. And with that, I know just as Katniss knew that Snow was right.

"Coin wanted to break me. Prim was too young, she never should have been allowed to be there, Coin herself would have had to approve it. When we'd made it so far and I was still alive, she needed to get me out of the way."

Because if Katniss was the one to take down Snow, her opinion on everything would have mattered. Coin needed her out of the way. And just like that I hate Coin just as much as Katniss does and I know she made the right decision. I knew it when Coin suggested the games, but now I have no doubt.

"Gale says he doesn't know if it was really his and Beetee's bomb," Katniss suggests with a shrug of her shoulder. "But it will always be his to me. And the act of sacrificing so many innocent lives just to win, well, he'd never had a problem with it before. He would have done whatever it took to win. He wasn't the person I thought I knew."

Another casualty of war. Gale wasn't dead but he was as lost to her as if he had died. She mourns him as much as she mourns the others. The only difference is there is anger there she'll never be able to let go. I find myself thinking I should be happy that he is out of the way, but I can't. He never showed me any malice, and Katniss has lost a very good friend. I've never even let myself consider that Katniss may see me as more than a friend since leaving the Capitol to come home. Too many scars exist between us. I know she couldn't possibly ever overlook them.

I'd tried to kill her…at least twice, and hated her beyond all comprehension. No, it wasn't my doing but when she looked at me, sometimes I could see she was still afraid the mutt inside was going to come out and attack her. Sometimes I could feel my memories slipping again and was afraid to be near her. However, there was no doubt I love her now just as I did before.

"I never loved him," she says offhandedly, like she's reading my mind.

Heat flares in my cheeks. "Katniss, I don't…I don't expect…"

She silences me with a look. "I know, but I thought you should know. I was too afraid that admitting that I needed you would end up with me losing him."

I sit in silence, unsure of what to say. I had wished a thousand times to hear that before, now I felt like I was stealing parts of her I didn't deserve. The fact that she even speaks to me is more than I deserve. I savor every moment, every word, every look, and every touch that she gives me. One day she's going to realize after everything I'd done to her since being rescued from the Capitol meant I wasn't worth her time. That too many lives had been lost because she'd been too busy worrying about mine.

"I'm sorry," she whispers and at the choked sound in her voice I look up to see tears falling down her cheek.

I reach up and brush them away before turning her face so I can look in her eyes. "For what?"

She pulls me into a hug and almost squeezes all the air from my lungs. "For being a horrible person to you so many times," she whispers.

I thought there was no worse feeling than the moment I realized after the first games that all she'd done in the arena had been an act. I had been completely and madly in love with her, and she'd been acting. I thought that had been the worst feeling in the world. Then the day she realized she was going to have to be linked to me her whole life because of the stunt she'd pulled in the arena and the absolute horror on her face at the thought. I thought then that was the worst I'd ever feel.

But knowing that I could never deserve her again, this is the worst feeling I'll ever have.

I tighten my grip around her and squeeze my eyes shut; wishing a million times that everything was different. But it wasn't and this was the reality I'll have to live with.

Her arms loosen around me far too soon for my liking and I let her go. She smiles at me and puts a finger to her lips, indicating I need to be quiet. I nod slightly and she gets up to go after the deer that has just wondered past. Though the days have been getting warmer, it still feels cold without her next to me. I watch her stalk towards the deer, almost in complete silence. The deer has his head bent, with no sound to alert him to her presence, he has no reason to be suspicious.

Seeing her hunt, truly hunt in her woods, I remember something that almost makes me laugh. Katniss telling me I was too loud as we walked around the woods in the first games. With all that was littering the forest floor I couldn't see how I could be quieter, but watching her walk across a forest floor with sticks and dry leaves I realize I really was loud, still would be if I got up and started walking around. She knows what she is doing.

She was always a perfect mixture of hunter, kindness, and fierce protector. Something that comes so naturally to her that without anything more than being herself, started a rebellion that bloomed into war during the first games. How many reapings had I watched where sisters and brothers got reaped without an older sibling who might stand a better chance against other tributes stood silent? Katniss was always ready to sacrifice herself if it meant someone else she cared about lived. Something that few seemed willing to do.

I was always ready to sacrifice myself for her because she was everything to me. As I'd told her the first day she'd come to visit me, whether I'd loved her or hated her, she was always a thought that consumed me. When I'd noticed Katniss bringing her sister to see the cakes decorated in the shop, I'd put my best work into every single one because I loved seeing her smile as she looked at them.

If I'd made an effort sooner I wonder if things would have been different. Another what if I'd never know the answer to.

She places an arrow and pulls it back, it's only moments before she lets it fly and the arrow pierces the deer straight through the head. I watch the unsuspecting deer fall and flashes of my vision cloud. An arrow directed at me, to shoot me, to kill me… I shake my head and press my palms to my eyes deeply to push the vision planted in my head away. Katniss never tried to kill me, would never do something like that.

"Peeta."

Her voice sounds far away, like she's shouting at the end of a tunnel. I struggle to push away the visions of her trying to kill me, telling myself over and over again that they're not real.

"Peeta, come back," Katniss shouts and I can feel her gripping my hands tightly.

I pull my eyes open and see her kneeling in front of me. I'm breathing heavily and sweat beads on my forehead but she smiles as I squeeze her hands back to let her know I'm okay. She pushes hair back from my forehead and sits quietly until I stop shaking.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

She shakes her head. "Don't be, I should have thought before bringing you out here."

"You shouldn't have to treat me like a child," I say, feeling pathetic and stupid.

I look away but she pulls my head back so I have to look her in the eyes. "You're the strongest person I know, Peeta. I'd never treat you like a child."

I roll my eyes and look away. It happens so fast, I have no time to anticipate it or react. She leans forward and kisses me on the cheek, lingering a moment before standing.

"I'll always do whatever it takes to bring you back, Peeta. I can't lose you again," she says, her voice full of determination.

I don't hear guilt or obligation in her voice like I'd expected. I didn't feel it in the kiss on my cheek. I can't let myself hope for more, but my heart doesn't listen. I look at her getting ready to pull the deer out of the ditch and trying to find a way to bring it back to the house. I quit hoping she'd love me back a long time ago, but now I wonder what lies ahead. Because I know I don't deserve her love, but if she offers it, I know I won't be able to say no.

I need her more than I need air.

"Here, let me get that for you," I say as I jump up and go to help her.

For the first time since I was taken by the Capitol, I let myself hope.

**A/N - Let me know if you'd like to hear more chapters from Peeta in the future...thanks again guys! **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N- So, you guys are just... I just don't even... UGH... Showers of awesome everywhere and I just love you all so very much for it. Seriously, all the love is completely keeping me inspired to write. Thank you and thanks again. **

**So, I was thinking, this story is based very loosely off an approximated time line I've compiled from events in the book because unfortunately, aside from when it's snowing (and even then) it's hard to determine on what kind of timeline everything happened except for how old the characters are as they go through it. SO, if my timeline seems off to you, just remember I'm working with what we were given in the book as best I can. Again, you guys are amazing and hope you enjoy!**

"What are you going to do with those?" Katniss asks as she looks down in the crate

"You know, I thought I'd just line them up and shoot them one at a time," he says and she throws him a scathing look. Achieving his goal, he chuckles. "I'm going to raise them, of course."

Katniss glances at me looking more than a little doubtful. Haymitch shrugs.

"You hunt, he bakes, and then you two come clean my house for God knows what reason, what do I have left to do?" he asks.

Katniss snorts in derision. "Like you did so much cleaning before."

"I was getting to it," Haymitch retorts back to her and she just rolls her eyes. "Now you've ruined all my motivation."

Haymitch and Katniss have always fought like they hate each other but after watching them together long enough I know better. I have to admit that after the first games when I realized Haymitch had picked her to help in the arena over me I'd been jealous. Even though I was grateful we both ended up alive and he'd helped keep her alive. I just wanted to matter to someone that much. I hadn't mattered to my mother, nor had my brothers or father had much time for me as the youngest.

"So, this going to take the place of the drinking?" I ask eyeing the other two crates that were brought to his house after the train came by.

I knew eventually it would kill him if he didn't stop, and it actually kind of worried me. Despite everything, aside from Katniss, Haymitch was the one other person who hadn't given up on me. Katniss always goes on about how Haymitch always likes me so much better than her. I know it's not really true, but I feel like since the games are over and Haymitch no longer feels like he has to choose which person he feels has a better chance to win, I've become a part of them. He's not much, but he and Katniss are all I have left in this world.

Haymitch eyes the cases of white liquor and says nothing. Katniss gives me a glance out of the corner of her eye that clearly says we're going to be the ones taking care of the geese until Haymitch runs out of alcohol. Probably even after that too.

"They're kind of cute," Katniss says to lighten the mood.

I almost laugh because I've never heard Katniss call anything cute, especially while wrinkling her nose and looking like she's considering whether they're carrying diseases or not.

Haymitch eyes us both and coughs. "So, uh, what are you guys doing today?"

I can hear the "if you're not busy…" tone in his voice just as well as Katniss and immediately wipe anything we were going to do today off my mental list. Because when Haymitch needs something, we never hear the end of it until it's done. Last time he wondered around the victor's village drunk and screaming into the wrong house for an hour before Katniss and I realized he was out there.

"What, Haymitch?" Katniss says in an irritated voice.

He pries open the case to the liquor and pulls a bottle out. "Well, the last train brought in the pen I was supposed to have together for when they came this time, and well…"

"You don't have it done," I finish for him, seeing exactly where this is going immediately.

"Awesome, let's get started right on that, Peeta, I'm so excited." Sarcasm is dripping so heavily in the air I'm pretty sure I can feel it.

I smile and add, "I really hope he hasn't even started it so we can take all day getting it done."

Haymitch gives us both a nod and heads inside the house with his cases of liquor and a snide laugh.

As predicted, the pen hasn't even been started. Haymitch has pieces of wood lying around like he thought about starting it then discovered it would actually require work and drinking was easier. However, considering we have a crate full of chicks now, we have to have somewhere to put them. Really, it should be his problem, but we both know if we leave them there they'll die because he'll be too drunk to care for the next week.

Katniss grabs a diagram of how the thing is supposed to go together but after a few minutes of her reading it I mostly have the wood laid out as to how it should go together.

"Hmm, looks like the longish piece there should be first on the…" she stops in her analysis as she looks up to see I've already started putting the first pieces together. "Oh, never mind then."

All in all, it doesn't take long to put it together. However, as Katniss is hammering in the last nail, Haymitch strolls out on the porch, absent a bottle, the slamming door distracts her and she smashes her finger instead of the nail. Several choice words I'm sure Johanna taught her escape before I make it to her. I grab her hand and inspect for damage but aside from a blood blister where the hammer pinched her finger, there seems to be no damage.

"Looks okay," I mutter and kiss it before letting go.

In the few weeks that have passed since she first kissed me on the cheek, she's done it a handful of other times. I've savored every one of them but I haven't returned any, afraid of what it would mean if I did. She curls her finger into her fist and brings it to her chest as she regards me, any signs of pain gone.

"Thanks," she says, smiling slightly.

"You're welcome," I say with a nod, feeling the pain of the distance between us. Although the barriers are more mental than physical and I wish I could find ways to close them.

Strangely enough, I feel closer to her than I've ever felt to anyone, and I also feel like I spend most of my time with a person I've just met. Katniss often has breakdowns and I'm the first person she reaches for, but she still talks very little about what haunts her nightmares and thoughts. Mostly, I can guess, but I wish she trusted me enough to tell me.

I turn toward Haymitch where Katniss has directed her wrath to diffuse the tension between us. "Thanks a lot," she says scathingly to Haymitch who seems to not even hear her.

He's staring at some fixed point behind us, looking solemn. I know he's not had enough time to be completely beyond reason drunk, and I haven't seen that look on Haymitch in a long time.

"What's wrong?" I ask after a minute of silence when he seems oblivious to our presence.

He drops his head and mops his hair out of his face after it falls. "You're not going to like it," he says, his voice strained.

Katniss instantly goes still and my shoulders drop as I can feel numbness spreading through my body. "What?" I whisper, I don't even think Haymitch can hear it. In fact, I'm not even sure if my mouth moved or if it was just a single desperate thought screaming in my head.

What more… What more could have happened….

After what seems like centuries, Haymitch speaks. "They want us back in the Capitol for a while."

Sound shuts off, I feel my stomach heave and I run to the edge of the fence as breakfast forcefully comes up. When my stomach is empty I slump to the ground and every horrific memory I have flashes through my head. Every bad thing that has ever happened started there. I can't go back… I can't…

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I can't be where they tortured innocent people in front of me just because they could…

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I can't listen to Johanna screaming again…

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I can't fight in another game…

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I can't be terrified I'm going to lose her again…

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I can't let them turn me into whatever they want again…

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"Peeta!" Katniss screams and I can feel someone pulling forcefully on my arm. "Peeta stop!"

Snow's snarling face flashes in front of my eyes and I see Haymitch instead. My hand instantly releases the knife I have pushed against his throat and I back away several steps, breathing heavily.

He doesn't come after me even as drops of red streak down his throat; instead of anger in Haymitch's eyes I see sympathy and mutual vexation.

"I'm not going back there," I say flatly.

I couldn't get out of there fast enough to come back here and I promised myself when I'd left that I'd never return

"We don't have a choice," Haymitch says, anger brewing in his voice.

"Of course we have a choice!" Katniss yells, throwing her hammer in the dirt. "We fought a whole war and went through two games and too many deaths so we could have a choice!"

Haymitch steps away from the wall I'd had him pressed against on the porch. "Then you better choose that you want to go real quick, sweetheart!"

"Why!?" she screams, tears running down her face. "What more could they possibly take from me? From him? From _you_, Haymitch!? I am not theirs to dress up and parade around and read their speeches and play their games anymore!"

My hands are shaking and I want to run. Hide somewhere they'll never find me and keep her safe and far from Capitol hands forever. Snow may no longer hold a seat there, but politics would forever suffer from the poison of power. I've had enough poison to last many lifetimes.

"Have you two even been watching the news?" Haymitch asks, looking at us both in disbelief.

"No," Katniss and I both spit out together.

Haymitch sighs in defeat and sits back on the porch step where he'd been before I blacked out. He pulls his shirt off and dabs it at his throat to wipe away the trail of blood down his throat. The bleeding has already stopped and all he succeeds in doing is smearing the blood.

"The districts aren't recovering like we'd hoped. Most of them were destroyed in bombings, so many are still sick and dying from war related injuries, food is being restricted because it's been harder to grow with all the toxins in the soil. There's not enough help anywhere, people are angry." Haymitch gives us both a pleading look and while I can see he actually cares, all I can feel is anger boiling in my veins. "Ever since you shot Coin and were put on trial, well, all the districts aside from thirteen were angry that anything had happened to you at all. They all figured you had a reason. District thirteen rebels and the rest of the districts aren't getting along."

"Why is that my problem?" Katniss asks, shrugging like she could care less about the state of the districts.

I agree, we are having enough trouble holding ourselves together, why did we have to go fix everyone else?

"Because all of Panem is united under one thing, and that's you, Katniss. You and him," Haymitch says with a nod towards me. "And I refused to let you two go without me."

Despite the small comfort that Haymitch cared enough not to let us go alone it isn't enough to soothe my anger right now. I glare at him for a moment more before I walk away. Once I get to the city square I run until I'm out of breath and staring blankly at the woods in front of me. It is the same place Katniss brought me weeks before when she'd gone hunting and asked me to go with her.

I drop to my knees and feel despair creeping up as my head falls into my hands. My hands are shaking and I can feel my fingernails digging into my scalp but it's keeping me from screaming so I don't let go. I don't want to be a piece in this game anymore. I have to get away, even this isn't far enough.

I struggle back to my feet and run until I collapse and scream until I don't have a voice left. I squeeze myself into a small space under a boulder and wrap my arms around myself, hoping death finds me before the Capitol does…

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Dying is slow.

After a day I'm dying of thirst but refuse to move to go to the lake not far from me. My body cramps and protests but I don't move, eventually after two days my muscles run out of energy to fight my will.

I slip between dreams and daydreams, most of them focused on the life I could have had with her, if things had been different. If the world wasn't the way it is. If she would trust me with whatever she keeps bottled inside.

Other times I wish my body would give up so I didn't have to feel anything anymore.

I'm tired.

Finally a week passes and I realize my body can't move even when I want it to.

I close my eyes for what I hope is the final time and say my last I love you to Katniss in my dreams…

**A/N - Okay, so let's not kill me...yeah? It couldn't all be sunshine and roses... Next chapter soon, appreciate all your thoughts!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N - So guys, I didn't mean to cause any riots with the last chapter, and since you were all such good sports I tried to get this chapter out as quickly as I could so you could all see what happens. Thank you all so much AGAIN for everything! You are all full of awesomesauce! It's like applesauce but better. **

It is luck and very little else that I am standing here.

If I would have found him dead I would have joined him.

As it stands, I haven't left his bedside in days and Haymitch is threatening to come force feed me if I don't start eating the food he sends in.

Peeta had disappeared from Haymitch's yard almost fifteen minutes before we noticed. He'd been so quiet and we had been arguing…

I sigh as I sit back down in the chair beside his bed and once again wrap my fingers around his. They are cold.

As soon as I realized he was gone I'd looked everywhere I thought he would go. My house, his house, and all of the empty houses in the village. I went to where the old bakery was, the memorial he'd made for his family, and I'd even knocked on every building in the town to see if they'd seen him.

After two days I realized the only place he could have gone that I hadn't looked was the woods.

The steady beep of the machine on the other side of the bed is both annoying and reassuring. The doctors say as far as they can tell, Peeta has made a complete turnaround. Still he persists in a state of unconsciousness and I wonder if he is just refusing to acknowledge he is still alive.

I'd borrowed someone's dog from the war that was trained to track and had let him go through Peeta's house before Haymitch and I set off into the woods. I suspected the dog wasn't as good as his owner had praised him for because for days we traveled in circles. Finally I found a footprint in the mud just as the dog howled and took off. The dog lost the trail a few more times and I was about to give up when I noticed a hand laying out from under a rock.

I massage his fingers as I try and warm them up. Someone delivers a tray of food but I pay it and the person no attention and they leave quietly. They never seem to leave him enough blankets.

He was freezing when I dragged him out from underneath the rock and yelled for Haymitch who was looking on the other side of the tree line. I shook him and even slapped him once trying to get him to wake up. For several horrifying minutes I thought he really was dead. Haymitch only pulled me out of hysteria by placing my fingers against his weak pulse and then under his nose so I could feel his weak effort at breathing.

I stretch my neck and lay my head down on the edge of the bed. Doesn't he know I can't move from this spot until he's walking out of here with me? Can't he understand I need him to be alive?

My mother comes in and sits beside me. She's quiet for several minutes before she squeezes my other hand. "He can probably hear you, you know. You can still talk to him," she says quietly before leaving. She knows it's not her that's going to fix me. It's him. She could sit with me all day but until he's awake again, nothing will make me feel better.

It had taken everything Haymitch and I had to haul Peeta back to district twelve. And with little time and options, Haymitch had called a hovercraft to come take Peeta to the Capitol hospital. We didn't have any healers in twelve and Peeta needed treatment he could only get there. I didn't argue. I'd deal with Peeta's anger when he was better.

I think over my mother's words and try and remember if I have said anything since we arrived here. I've said a thousand things to him, begged and pleaded with him to wake up, but all in my head. I exhale a long breath and tuck his hand in both of his.

"Peeta," I croak out, my voice raspy and dry from lack of use and moisture.

I cough and clear my throat before gulping down the water that was brought in with the tray. I smooth his hair back from his forehead again before continuing.

"Peeta," I say again and then I fall short.

My voice is clear and steady but I have no idea what to say. I sigh and squeeze his fingers in mine as I close my eyes. Peeta, Peeta, Peeta… My every thought is him and I can think of nothing to say. How is that even possible?

"My birthday is in a couple months," I comment offhandedly.

Immediately I feel stupid. I lean back in my chair, holding his hand more lightly and lay my head back, my eyes still closed. I take a few steadying breaths. I feel like I'm falling apart again but Peeta isn't awake to keep me together. I need him, I need him to wake up and hug me, tell me life is still worth something, to love me…

My eyes fly open and I inhale sharply as something I'd never considered dawns on me. I'm afraid of him. He holds the last, fragile bit of sanity that I have, the last piece of my heart, really the only piece I ever had to give, and I can't lose that because if I do, I'm not sure a heart can function without a soul.

Peeta holds all this power and he doesn't even know it, I barely let him know me. I relax and close my eyes again and decide if he's really stopped fighting, then there's no harm, if he hasn't… I still have nothing left to lose besides him.

"I was hoping you'd make me a cake this year. I never told you but I liked coming to look at the cakes as much as Prim. She always hoped she'd get one, you have no idea how happy it made her to get one on her last birthday before the games from you." I laughed at the memory. "She talked about it for days; she even wrote you a thank you card I was supposed to give you. I think I lost it in the hob one day."

I relax and I let myself remember that in this room there is only Peeta and me, and my secrets are always safe with him.

"I was kind of jealous I didn't get one, though I understand why I didn't at the time. I'm pretty sure I broke your heart and who deserves anything after that, right?"

I talked. I talked so much and so long I had to ask someone to bring me several more glasses of water. Every fear, every triumph, every moment that matters to me flowed through my mouth. I talked about Prim and my father and mother. I talked about the games, about Rue , Finnick, Mags, Wiress, Thresh and so many others. I talked about how unfair it was that Finnick would never know his own child and that he died not even knowing he'd have one. I wondered if it was better that he died not knowing. I talked about Boggs. I talked about death.

I talked about Haymitch. I talked about Buttercup. I talked about thirteen. I talked about being in seclusion during my trial. I talked about Johanna and how I wanted to make sure she was okay. I talked about Snow and white roses. I talked about spring. I talked about hunting. I talked about how painful it was to live every day. I talked about my nightmares. I talked about Peeta.

"You've saved my life so many times, I feel like I've tried to save yours and instead I've ruined it every time." I laugh and brush the tears away from my cheeks that I've shed over the last hours as I lean forward, my elbows on my knees. I hang my head down and stare at the ground. "Please don't leave me, Peeta. I love you. I'm sorry I didn't know how to say it or show it or feel it before but I know I can't keep holding you at arm's length. Maybe if you knew how much you meant to me you never would have run off in the first place. You almost died, Peeta! Do you have any idea what that would do to me? Please, please, please…I'm scared to lose you and I'm scared to love you because I'll fall apart if you're gone. Please give me time to figure it out. Please come back, Peeta…"

My forehead falls onto the bed as a strangled sob escapes. My heart feels like it's ripping apart. It's too little too late and I want to scream at myself for messing it all up.

Lifeless fingers squeeze mine back and my heart suddenly leaps into my throat. My head snaps up as I inhale a sharp breath and find Peeta's blue eyes staring back at me, a tear at the corner of his eye.

"Peeta," I whisper before I scramble up on the bed and wrap my arms around him.

I'm sobbing obnoxiously loud but I can't seem to stop it. Peeta's arms wrap around me and I know I could never move from this spot and it will be enough.

"I'm sorry," Peeta croaks out in a dry voice and I shake my head.

He doesn't need to talk; he never needs to say a word again. I don't know how long it is before I finally loosen my grip enough to slide back to see his face. He tries to swallow but it seems painful and I jump up to give him one of the glasses on the tray. I prop him up with pillows and he takes the cup and swallows a few mouthfuls.

He sets the glass on the bedside table and brushes his hand against the side of my face. His fingers have finally warmed up.

A frown creases his brow. "We're in the Capitol, aren't we?" he asks.

I know he's not going to be happy about it. "You were almost dead when we found you, I couldn't let you die."

He doesn't seem angry, at least not in the way I expect. "Why?"

"Because I can't deal with Haymitch all by myself, we'd kill each other," I say lightly and he surprises me with a laugh. "You don't have to stay, Peeta. You can go back to district twelve."

He studies me quietly for a minute. "But you're staying, aren't you? You had to make a deal with them."

I try to keep the guilt out of my eyes but I know it's impossible. "The medicines you needed were not considered necessary for someone so near death, not when there is so few of them. Bargaining chips are always helpful to have."

Peeta sighed and I could hear in it exactly what I thought when the head council man came to me when we arrived in the Capitol. We were just chess pieces in an endless game. In the end, the gamemakers always got what they wanted.

"Then I'm staying," Peeta says.

I try to argue with him but he gives me a look that says all arguments will fall on deaf ears. "Fine," I finally mutter, acting annoyed.

Peeta smiles and pulls me back up onto the bed with him. His arm wraps around my waist and I lay my head on his shoulder. "I heard everything you said," he says as he traces the scar where Johanna cut my tracker out of my arm.

For a small second I'd hoped maybe he hadn't, maybe everything was still safe under my little web of protection. But then I realize I'm tired of trying to stay all bottled up and alone. If he hadn't heard it all I'd say it all over again. I've spent my whole life blocking everyone out. I feel a weight lifting as I let someone in. I know I'm safe with Peeta, I see it in the way he looks at me when we're together, I feel it in his gentle touch, I hear it in every word he speaks. How could I have ever pushed him aside?

"Is this where you realize I'm no good for you?" I ask, smiling.

He slides a finger under my chin and brings my face up so I'm looking right in his eyes. "No, it's where I realize you're everything I've ever wanted," he whispers, his lips inches from mine.

"I'm just a sad, little girl broken in a million pieces," I reply.

He smiles. "I've always liked puzzles."

I smile and I can feel my heart racing at the feel of his hand on my neck and his mouth inches from mine. I close my eyes and it's like I've never kissed him before. His lips are warm and soft and my hand twists in the hospital gown he's wearing. Warmth bursts in my chest and spreads through my body.

Suddenly the doors slam open and Peeta and I jump apart. I jump up and stand in front of him like a guard before I realize it's just the healers that have come to check on him because his heart monitor had increased exponentially. Once everyone registers what has occurred, my face turns blood red, and instead of being able just to back out, the healers have to do some extensive tests of some kind of another now that Peeta has woken up.

I call Haymitch while they're doing…whatever they're doing…to tell him the good news and I can hear his relief. He promises to come see Peeta soon. The healers say he'll need to stay a few days for observation but otherwise everything looks okay. I nod and watch them go before I go back to join him on his bed. I take a deep breath and feel relief spread through my body.

Peeta and I lay together for a few minutes in silence and exhaustion takes us both over and we fall asleep.

I stir awake sometime later and it takes a minute to realize Haymitch clearing his throat is the reason why. I glance up and he rolls his eyes.

"Should we come back later?" he asks pointedly.

I look down to see my leg intertwined with Peeta's, his arm wrapped around me and his other hand twined with mine as I laid on his chest. "It's not like we were making out, Haymitch, relax," I say and make no effort to move.

"I mean if you want to give us a minute I'm sure we could whip something up," Peeta says, still sounding half asleep.

Haymitch shakes his head and pulls his chair up to the side of the bed.

"Wait, did you say we?" I ask, recalling his prior statement.

"Good morning, children!" Effie says sounding way too perky as she breezes through the hospital door then freezes and inhales sharply. "Haymitch! You never said they weren't decent!"

I roll my eyes. "Can no one see the clothes we are clearly wearing?"

"Two young children such as yourselves, lying together in bed in company, it's just not good manners!" she says in her highly insulted voice.

Since I'm clearly not going to win that argument, I slide off the bed and sit in a chair next to the bed. After several minutes of annoying exclamations, Effie finally pulls herself together and sits as well.

"Now," she continues, smoothing the papers on the table she'd brought with her. "We have an interview scheduled in a week but first, you will be giving a speech, Katniss. Any idea what you'll say?"

I shrug. "Fighting is bad, war is bad, be patient food will start growing again, love one another, the end."

Effie stares at me for several moments before Haymitch bursts out laughing. Effie turns back to her paper to make a note. "Need speech written for Katniss," she mutters under her breath as she writes.

"I can't wait to be dressed up and fed all my lines again, so glad so many people died so we could just come back to this," I say, feeling more defeated than I ever felt in the games.

At least then I'd felt like something could be different. After all I've been through and we're still right back where we started out, I've given up hope for anything else. Peeta squeezes my hand and I decide I've already had enough of Effie and her plans. I know she means well and I pretend to listen as she goes on about the events going on the next few weeks I'll be attending and what I'll be doing.

Mostly, Peeta and I have a silent conversation. Well, maybe it's a conversation I have alone in my head but looking into his eyes, I feel like he knows exactly what I'm thinking.

Another game has started, and this cycle is one we will never win at.

After Effie and Haymitch leave due to dinner being brought it I slide back up on the bed with Peeta and nibble at my food while he eats.

Lying next to him later in the darkness, my head on his chest, I realize these are the moments I'll have to savor. The moments when it's quiet and we are together. Because these may be the only moments that are ever truly mine, when I can choose my own fate and have my own say.

"Peeta," I say, unsure if he's asleep yet.

"Hmm," he mutters back.

"Will you stay with me, even if this is what the rest of our life is?"

He's quiet for a minute and I'm sure he's fallen asleep but then he answers quietly. "Always."

**A/N - Quick note, I have been on vacation for the past two weeks. I'm back at work now and while I fully intend to keep writing this story, just fair warning updates may not be as quick as they have been but I promise to try and write them as quickly as I can manage. Thanks guys! Hope this made up for the cliffhanger in the last chapter! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N - Okay, I just have to take a minute here. You. ALL of you. That have taken the time to read, review, send me messages, favorite, follow, whatever else you could do to show that you enjoy reading this story...you are all AMAZING. Seriously, I've gotten some crazy awesome compliments and I just...I don't even know. You guys are just the best...K? The end. I'm so glad that you are all enjoying the story. **

**Oh, I did get a request to mark the chapter's with who's POV it is since I'm using two different and it can be confusing and I forgot to on the last chapter, so this chapter is Katniss POV. **

**Lastly, since Mockingjay's last chapter and epilogue has very little info, let's face it, is very vague, I've taken a lot of liberties with the direction of the story and I'm so excited that you guys are all liking it so far! Hopefully I don't let you down! Thanks again! You guys inspire me to keep writing!**

Here we are again. It's the only thought I have, it's consumed me for days. We've come so far only to realize we never left in the first place. What used to be Snow's office still looks remarkably the same from what I remember it of television broadcasts, the only difference being the nameplate now says President Paylor.

My knee is bouncing, my palms are sweating and I cling to Peeta's hand desperately for comfort that seems so far away right now. Now is when we figure out what we find out what Paylor's big plans are for us, how I am supposed to put a country at ease again. I'm tired.

The door to the office opens but it's not Paylor walking through it which surprises me. Instead, it's Plutarch. Of course. How could I not have seen this coming? I am his mockingjay, of course he'd want to direct my flight again. He probably considers it his own personal show. I feel anger boil under my skin at his presence.

"Katniss," he says with a smile on his face like my whole world should be perfect and wonderful. "How good to see you! I was afraid we'd never see our little mockingjay again!"

"Only took flight for the winter," I say with a false laugh as I'm sure I about crush Peeta's fingers as I try to keep from lashing out.

What would Plutarch know of suffering? Of pain? Of loss so deep it scars your very soul? Nothing. And I hate him for it; I hate him for leaving me with those scars without a second thought. I hate him for acting like I should be fine.

Peeta squeezes my fingers back just lightly and I try and relax. My knee bounces faster.

Plutarch tries to make small talk but when he sees I'm in no mood for talking he stops until Paylor comes in. She doesn't quite seem the battered battle commander from district eight that I remember. Instead, she's become one of them. Fresh, clean, makeup covering every wound, perfectly sewn clothes. Had he not been dead, I could have even sworn Cinna's hand was the one who'd made them.

Her smile is blindingly bright and carefree given the dire circumstances under which Peeta and I were called to come here.

She wastes little time. "Katniss, Peeta, so wonderful to see you again. I want to say, I'm really glad you agreed to do this. You can do so much good here," Paylor goes on, her voice chipper and light.

I try and reconcile this woman with the one I'd met over a year ago, beaten down by war and loss as much as the rest of us had, but I can't bring the two together. What has happened to her? Has she so quickly forgotten? I can feel sweat beading on my forehead. Peeta's thumb rubs circles on the back of my hand.

We exchange pleasantries; it all feels very stiff and formal.

"So, we think we have devised a plan to appease the districts," Paylor announces happily. "And we are going to have you announce it tomorrow!"

"Okay," I say uneasily as I see Plutarch's smile widen.

She smiles in a silence that seems to last forever. Finally, Paylor speaks again. "We've decided to keep the districts in order the council enacting the Hunger Games might have gotten something right. Though we have missed a year, we will be continuing with the seventy sixth Hunger Games next month."

My jaw drops of my heart stops. There is no air left in the room. How can they even think… NO!

"No!" I say loudly, protesting.

Paylor's smile doesn't budge, Plutarch laughs deeply in the background. "My dear, you have to see it's the only way! We've already picked the tributes! Mostly children from the Capitol, and Peeta, we thought the love story needed a bit of a mix up. Distract the districts from what's really going on. That's how they won the first time, you know!"

I glance to my right just to realize Peeta is already gone, his hand has been missing from mine and I didn't even notice. NO! They can't take him, they can't kill him, and they can't take him away from me! I reach blindly for the bow that should be strapped to me but it's tucked back in my house in district twelve. I have no bow. I may as well be a wingless mockingjay.

"Peeta!" I scream as I run to the door but it's sealed shut and there is no doorknob.

I throw myself against the door to no avail. Plutarch and Paylor laugh in the background. I pound on the door but it's no use. I turn to try and find something to use as a weapon only to be faced with the half rotting corpses of everyone I've killed.

"He's going to be one of us, Katniss," Cinna states, blood dripping down the side of his face.

"You didn't save us, Katniss, how could you ever save him?" Finnick says smiling as he holds out a sugar cube with half his neck ripped out.

I back up against the door, terrified as they start closing in. All their wounds are rotting; their flesh is sickly gray and green. They're here for me now.

"Why didn't you save us?" Prim whispers, leaning in closely.

I sink to the ground against the door, curling in into a ball as all their accusations join into a screeching chorus. I press my hands over my ears and scream for Peeta, but he needs me now and I can't help him because I'm stuck here with the dead.

"I'm going to rip his heart out," Snow's voice breathes into my ear.

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"Peeta!" I scream again.

It's dark now and I'm disoriented, I try to shake off whoever is grabbing at me before I hear his voice.

"Katniss… Katniss! It's okay,"

My heart is pounding and I feel as out of breath as if I've been running for miles. Sweat is pouring down my body.

"Katniss, shhh, it's okay, I'm right here."

I turn towards his voice and finally stop fighting against his arms as he tries to pull me against him. Realizing Peeta is really there I fall against him and wrap my arms around his waist. Tears are pouring down my face but I don't care because he is there. He's okay, he's alive…

After a few minutes, my breathing slows and I relax against him as he leans back into a pile of pillows.

Peeta was let out of the hospital two days ago and since we both decided against staying in the president's mansion, we were given my old room in the tribute hotel. Well, we were given the entire suite, meaning Peeta could have slept in his own room, but he wants to stay with me and for that I am grateful. I am not ready to let him out of my sight, especially not while we are in the Capitol.

Still, the past two nights my dreams have gotten worse. I've not seen nor heard from Paylor, only Effie brings us news and it seems very uniformed. I have no idea what is waiting for me in the meeting with Paylor and I'm pretty sure no matter what it is I won't like it.

I breathe deeply and try to unclench my fists that are curled in Peeta's shirt. He hasn't had a decent night of sleep in days.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, still shaking.

His fingers are weaving slowly through my hair. "It's okay," he mumbles back, already almost asleep again.

"I'm going to sleep in the other room so you can get some sleep," I say as I start to pull away from him.

His arms tighten around me as he startles back awake. "Wha…no, Katniss. I'm fine," he says, resisting my attempts to leave him a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

"But you're so tired," I protest and I know he is, he's tried to deny it for days but I can tell.

He doesn't argue with that statement for once. "So are you. When we get home we'll both be able to sleep better."

I can't disagree with that. Being here brings too many horrible memories back to the forefront of my mind. I can't relax here; I can't get back to what's left of my normal life here. Peeta and I are in a constant state of fallen apart.

"You would though, if I wasn't kicking you awake every hour," I reply, still arguing because I desperately want him to not look so tired tomorrow and know I caused it.

He pulls me closer to him and I can see just a small smile in the darkness before his lips are pressed to mine and all my arguments fly out of the window. My heart hammers against my ribs as I kiss him back and I feel lightheaded when he pulls away.

"It reminds me I'm still alive and here with you which keeps my nightmares away," Peeta remarks and settles back on the bed but doesn't relax his arms until I relax against him.

It's these things that prove he's always been a much better person than I could ever hope to be. Always watching out for me, always loving me while I was usually just worried about myself. Even trying to keep him alive and to let him win in the second games, it was mostly out of my own feelings of guilt, because I owed him something. Yes, I truly cared about him then, but in the end my motivation was mostly because I couldn't live with myself if he died.

Now, it's my nightmares that keep him awake. He never wakes me up with his, most of the time claims he doesn't even have them when he's with me. Because I can be enough for him, why can't he be enough to keep my demons at bay?

"Stop it," Peeta says so quietly I almost miss it.

I look around. I'm pretty sure I'd be lying still and hadn't been making any noise. "Stop what?"

"I can practically hear you beating yourself up in there, stop it," he says and it almost sounds like he could be laughing.

I sigh and roll my eyes. "You can't yell at me for thinking," I argue, more stunned than anything else that he'd practically read my mind.

"I can when it's you thinking some absurd version of you don't deserve me or I'm better than you or whatever, Katniss. Stop thinking you owe me something," he says. "Yes, I was in love with you and some of the things you did hurt but you know what? I'm alive because of you. You've saved my life a hundred times; you've never given up on me."

"Well, yes but…"

"No, Katniss. Do you know what I finally realized?" he says, sitting up and making me look him right in the eyes. "That everything you did was because you cared. Maybe you didn't love me, maybe you did at some point and you didn't realize it, but you cared enough to always fight to keep me alive and that is enough. If I never got anything else from you that would have been enough."

I sit there stunned. I have no way to argue with him because he looks so sincere that I have to believe him. "Why? When you deserve so much…" His finger to my lips silences me.

"What I may or may not deserve and what I'm happy with are two entirely different things, Katniss. I tried to kill you twice. Don't you think I know I don't deserve you because I wasn't strong enough to fight off whatever they did to me?"

I have never blamed him for that. Never. I always knew that was Snow, it had only added to a very long list of reasons I had to kill him. "That wasn't you, Peeta. I've never…"

"It was me, Katniss, maybe not the me that I always was but if I had been strong enough I would have fought it," Peeta says and I can see that it really is something he beats himself up with constantly. I can't understand how he can blame himself for something he had no control over.

"You have to let that go, Peeta, that wasn't you," I say, pressing my palm to his cheek. "That was Snow; I'll never blame you for that."

He rolls his eyes. "Yeah, I'll work on that. But you have to try and let go of your guilt too, Katniss. You have always been enough. You will always be enough. Just be you, that's all I ask."

I lean forward and kiss him lightly. I pull back for a moment then desperately lean forward to kiss him again deeply as I wrap my arms around his neck. Warmth and desire for more spread through my body. It has been a long time since I've felt something other than fear and anger. I wasn't sure if I was capable of feeling anything else anymore.

In one small kiss I feel…light. I feel like every worry, every memory, every fear is slowly leeching out of my body and every empty space is filled with him. I feel every weight on my chest lift and I take a deep breath and wonder how I've been breathing before this moment. Surely, every one of them had made my chest ache painfully with all the bands of worry, fear, anger, and grief tightened around it.

I pull away reluctantly when I am out of breath and I am stunned to find tears on my cheeks again. I mentally sigh, wondering when those will stop. I have to run out at some point.

"What's wrong?" Peeta asks, pushing my hair back from my face.

Words come tumbling out before I can stop them. "I'm so tired of being scared and angry all the time."

Peeta kisses me lightly again then pulls me back against his chest as he lays us back against the bed to go back to sleep. "I know," he replies.

It's simple, possibly unsatisfying to someone else. But to me it means everything. It means he sees me fighting and wishes he could help but knows it's my own battle to fight. It means he feels the same and his battle is far from over too. It means hope that one day it's going to be better. It means he's not going anywhere just because I'm broken.

My eyes close before the feeling of elation left over from kissing him leaves, and for once, dreams don't disturb either one of us.

"Well don't you two look cozy."

I startle awake, grab blindly for the knife under my pillow and have jumped over Peeta to guard him with a knife poised in front of me before I realize it's Haymitch.

"Next thing you know you'll be learning how to drink from me," Haymitch says with a laugh as he pushes the knife out of his face.

I'd realized, after almost being minced a few times myself, that Haymitch had something by sleeping with a knife. Always prepared, it was a good theory.

"I'd be better at that too," I reply, looking back to see Peeta sitting up in bed. "Why are you here?"

Haymitch arches an eyebrow. "You're an hour late for the meeting with Paylor," he says and I can hear Effie panicking in the other room.

All the feelings of happiness from a few hours ago are completely squashed as fear settles back in. Today is the day I find out what I have to do, what new show I have to put on, and I hate everything about it.

**A/N - Again, just mentioning, you all are awesome, thanks for reading, next chapter to be coming soon! **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N Hello, amazing people! Sorry about the little bit of delay on this chapter...work schedules are NO FUN. Neither is working 12-14 hour shifts and being too tired to blink by the time I get home. SO...I hope to get chapters out as quickly as I can but don't hate me too much if it takes me a little while, I promise to continue the story! By the way... Have I mentioned how awesome you all are...because I can't say it enough! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all your support and love for this story. AMAZING... Okay, on to the chapter... **

**Peeta:**

The fact that Plutarch had wasted time lecturing Katniss about being on time was laughable. Especially with the death ray look Katniss gave him the entire time. After catching sight of her glaring like she was thinking of imaginative ways to kill him, Plutarch speech stuttered off into silence. I couldn't help but smile. The fact that he was so oblivious to exactly how much Katniss hated him was a constant source of amusement through the whole meeting.

"Wait, can we just get to what I'm here for," Katniss says, interrupting Plutarch going on about meaningless news throughout Panem. Even Paylor looks bored.

I have a sneaking suspicion Paylor has to put up with him and his ideas way more than she likes.

"Well, you should know what kind of climate you're walking into," Plutarch says, obviously flustered that Katniss has the audacity to interrupt him.

She shrugs. "Does it really matter? I'm sure you have it all planned out, all I have to do is perform."

Plutarch looks annoyed but doesn't deny the claim. "Fine, if that's how you want to do it. Tomorrow you will be making a speech to all the districts, after that you will make a tour through the districts, after that you'll make a final speech in district twelve and then we will see what the mood of Panem stands at."

I roll my eyes but say nothing. It isn't necessary because Katniss says exactly what I'm thinking.

"Oh good, another victory tour, let me get my happy face on."

"Katniss," Effie hisses in the background as Haymitch chuckles.

"Here's what you're to read tomorrow, I suggest you're at least familiar with it," Plutarch says, handing Katniss notecards clearly containing the speech they want her to read.

She glares at them for a moment before glancing at me. I squeeze her hand. She turns her gaze back to the cards and snatches them from Plutarch's hands before standing and storming out of the room, dragging me with her.

We make it out of the mansion and walk the streets for almost an hour before she stops and drops my hand, looking like she wants to do nothing more than tear the cards in her hands up and throw them into the wind. She looks desperate and angry and I can't help but wish there was something more I could do. I feel as powerless as she does. Truly, it's my fault she's in this position. If I had held it together, she wouldn't have felt the need to bargain for my life.

"Is this what we're going to be forever?" she asks, looking like she's on the verge of tears although she fiercely holds them back.

I barely have time to consider her question when a scratchy voice calls out Katniss' name.

We both spin on our heels. Many of the neighborhoods in the Capitol are still empty and we thought we had made our way to a quiet city block. There's trash piled up in corners around the block and from one of those piles emerges a strange looking figure. Something that looked like it had blue hair at one point in time but most of the color had leeched out and what was left was plastered with dirt. The rest of the figure looked just as covered in dirt as the rest of him and he had to be thirty feet away but after taking three steps, I could smell him. And it was definitely not anything close to roses.

I squint as I take the figure in that looks like it's painfully stumbling towards us. "Caesar?" I say in disbelief as the blue hair and the facial features, which are completely devoid of any type of Capitol adornment, come together and I realize who it is.

"Katniss, Peeta," he says like he's seeing old friends again and looks almost as joyful.

I can't say I say the same. Really, as far as Caesar goes I'm kind of ambivalent. He was both the voice of the games but at times it seemed like he really cared about the people going to them. So I didn't exactly hate him, but seeing him reduced to what he is now does not really bring me much heartache either.

"Caesar, what are you doing here?" Katniss asks, wrinkling your nose and patting his arm, looking like she as hoping to keep him as she was trying to keep him as far away as possible.

Caesar still looks star struck, like he can't possibly believe his luck. Katniss and I exchange a look. I always knew Caesar wasn't exactly all right in the head but I was about ready to see if Katniss thought we should start backing away slowly.

"Cast out, of course," Caesar finally says, coming back to reality.

"They left you with…nothing?" Katniss asks, looking surprised.

Caesar laughs. "Are you so surprised, girl on fire? Did they leave you in much better condition?"

He gives her an intense look but she doesn't answer so he turns to me instead.

"And you, Peeta, will you ever be rid of the nightmares? And you two were their heroes, right? And they sent you back to district twelve to rot until they needed you again. Do you really think they're any better than the Capitol was?"

I shrug; I really have no defense against our current government. I don't know much about them and I don't care to. I'm done fighting battles, I just want to go home with Katniss and forget the rest of the world.

"What would you know, Caesar? You were a fluffy Capitol citizen your whole life," Katniss retorts disdainfully, grabbing my hand and turning away to leave Caesar where we found him.

"At least, that's what the Capitol would have you believe," Caesar calls after us. "I wasn't always one of them. And whatever Snow would have made you believe, he knew of district thirteen's existence for a very long time."

Katniss stops and turns. I can't see how it makes the difference if Snow knew before hand or not but it seems to matter to her. "Like he would let you part of private proceedings."

Caesar laughs again. "I wouldn't have to be; I escaped from there and told him about it."

Katniss stops. I glance at her and even though her back is turned, Caesar knows he's won her attention. However, opposite to what I thought, he doesn't turn into some gloating, laughing maniac. In fact, he looks like he is reliving something he never wanted to remember. I see the same look in Katniss eyes when she is still caught in a nightmare while awake.

"Escaped?" Katniss asks though her voice lacks much volume.

Caesar finds a bench and sits on it. "When I was seventeen. I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't take being underground, I couldn't take every minute of every day being scheduled, I couldn't stand the food. I just wanted to make it to another district. The girl I'd fallen in love with, we'd made a pact never to have children so we'd never have to send them to the games and hopefully no one would notice us suddenly popping up in another district."

Katniss turns and pulls me with her. Caesar is slumped in the bench and I feel something I wish I didn't. Sympathy. It's always so simple, isn't it? Just wanting a life free from some kind of tyranny or another, not really to do anything spectacular, just to live a normal life with someone you love.

"We were half a mile away from district thirteen when the Capitol captured us. Snow was smart, he'd been watching, but until we had appeared, he really hadn't known for sure if we were there or not." Caesar laughs like he's remembering something only he knows the joke to. "Once he'd tortured my fiancé to death in front of me to get me to tell him everything he wanted to know about district thirteen, he'd thought it would be amusing to put me on TV. Just to prove to thirteen that they were not impenetrable, that someone they thought they could trust had turned on them. Every time any Capitol event was televised I was shoved in their face."

"You could have just died instead of doing it," I remark, thinking I would have given my life before being forced to do something like that.

Caesar glares maliciously at me. "Just like you did instead of going to the games?"

My retort catches in my throat as I realize he's right. To really win, I could have refused to participate at all. I could have died before the Capitol had a chance to try and force me to die for them.

"I hadn't realized she was pregnant, it wasn't until months of confinement when I was submitted to watching her torture. I thought they had killed her long before that. After, I'd told him I'd die before I'd do that, he'd brought in the son I'd never known I was expecting."

It's quiet for several minutes before I sigh. "So where is this son you have?" I ask.

"I have no idea; I was promised he would never be harmed and live a long and spoiled Capitol life as long as I cooperated. I was never given permission to raise him or ever see him again."

I see a tear fall down Katniss' cheek and Caesar looks so sincere I have no reason not to believe him. "Snow was probably lying to you about the baby," Katniss whispers.

Caesar nods. "But if it were you, would you have taken that chance?"

No, never. I would have never left a child to the mercy of the Capitol. I never understood why people who lived in conditions that we lived in with the games would even choose to have children knowing that one day they might be reaped and sent to a game to die.

"Come with us," Katniss says and I find that I'm not surprised. Katniss has an innate ability to tell what people are sincere and what people to trust. Ever since realizing her instinct on who to trust was dead on in the second games, I swore I'd never second guess her again.

Caesar looks up, not really looking hopeful that she's serious but she rolls her eyes. "Come on, Caesar, you sob story worked, let's go get you cleaned up."

Caesar doesn't answer right away. "In answer to your question, Katniss, yes, this is what your life will always be."

"Where's that smiling ever optimistic Caesar when you need him?" she says grimly before helping him up as we try and figure out our way back to the tribute hotel.

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Caesar's snores can be heard through the whole suite we have. Technically, we could have given him any room in the tribute hotel as the rest remained empty but Katniss had decided since we had my empty room in our suite she wanted to keep him close to keep an eye on him. In her exact words "Of course I don't completely trust him". However, as I pointed out, Caesar would gain nothing if he hurt or killed us and it wasn't like either one of us had secrets the Capitol didn't know about.

We'd brought him back to the hotel, he'd showered and eaten and was now making enough noise to wake the dead.

"Have you read this speech?" I asked, throwing the cards aside on the nightstand and lying back on the bed.

Katniss is standing at the window and gazing out over the Capitol. "Mmm…" she said noncommittally.

I can tell her mind was far away from this room but she seems reflective, not angry or increasingly upset. Tomorrow she has to make a speech I'm sure she's not ready for. I feel guilty, had I not fallen apart she would have never had need to come to the Capitol. I should be protecting her from the world and instead, she's always the one protecting, always the strong one…

I don't say anything as I watch her and she doesn't move much. Her expression turns dark at times but after a few minutes she relaxes. I desperately want to know what she's thinking but I feel that tonight her thoughts are her own. I want to comfort her but it seems comfort is far from her tonight.

I fall asleep and when I wake she's lying with me in bed, I can feel the wet spots on my shirt but I choose not to comment on it. I lay awake for hours as she finally drifts off wishing I could find some way out. But I feel as trapped here as I did the days before the games. The disgusting promises on the cards of Katniss' speech she's to deliver tomorrow, feeling like the last bit of sanity I have I'm going to lose when I stand beside Katniss tomorrow and watch her lie to desperate people. How have we come to this?

I squeeze her hand that is entwined with mine and she squeezes mine back. Tonight, we don't need words. Tonight, we share thoughts that there is no need to voice, because there is no one to listen but us, and we are powerless.

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We're awake and dressed and in the president's mansion before I'm even fully awake the next day. Katniss slept without nightmares, a fact I find odd now that I'm standing beside her, getting ready to walk into the broadcast room. I would have thought the night before this event would have held more nightmares than normal.

I look over as Katniss adjusts her outfit yet again. I can tell she's uncomfortable in it. She'd thought she'd never have to wear Cinna's mockingjay suit again. She thought she'd never be painted up and pushed in front of a television crowd again.

"Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in."

I look down the hallway to see a face I'd never thought I'd see again. Scarred but fierce as ever, even with her short, uneven spiky hair, Johanna Mason looks as defiant as ever. She's looking Katniss over like she's freshly delivered meat.

"Please tell me you did not agree to do this," Johanna continues as she comes closer before being close enough to jab a finger into Katniss' chest.

Katniss seems beyond disbelief to see Johanna, and almost happy. I wish I had whatever happy memories of Johanna she shares. All I can think of as Johanna stands there is the sound of her screams in the cell next to me, in the torture chamber in front of me. Another girl who deserved better, another person I couldn't save, now she was scarred just as deeply as the rest of, maybe even more so.

"What are you doing here?" Katniss says instead of answering her question. "I thought you'd go back to district seven."

Johanna shrugs. "They wanted to give me some big fancy job, to make up for…whatever. Instead, I just hang out here and pretty much do whatever I want," Johanna says with a smile.

Katniss smiles and hugs her, a motion that Johanna seems supremely uncomfortable with.

"So, what about you, bread boy?" Johanna asks after wiggling free from Katniss.

I can see an endless well of pain in her eyes but she hides it well. "Just here for the drinks," I reply, having little else to say.

Johanna gives me an odd look but doesn't comment. "So, I heard you're giving some speech today to save the world," she says to Katniss.

"I don't know when they're going to learn that Peeta is better at that than me," Katniss replies.

Johanna smiled. "So I was right, they are calling the shots again, aren't they?"

I can see the scathing implication in her eyes and I can see Katniss wilting even more so than she already is. I feel like she's one weak push away from completely shattering. Katniss tucks her cards around her back but Johanna's sharp eyes don't miss it.

"When are you going to learn?" Johanna rolls her eyes. "Peeta was right; you have no idea what effect you have on people. You have more power than you realize. Use it."

Katniss looks surprised, Johanna winks at me before ducking into the media room and leaving Katniss and I to our thoughts. Again, Katniss is quiet and her eyes look older than the sun as they call us in to get started. We walk in to blinding light being directed at a podium facing several large televisions and a small crowd at the opposite side of the room. Each television encompasses the main square of each district and people are crowded around the squares, waiting for Katniss to speak.

Waiting for their mockingjay.

Katniss stumbles as she gets to the stand, I steady her and she gives me a grateful smile.

Plutarch explains how things work and before we have time to think about it, the cameras are on and broadcasting. Now is the moment when Katniss holds her cards up and…stops.

She stares at the cards for a long few minutes.

Then she looks up at the crowd and Johanna gives her a thumbs up with a wink.

Katniss looks at me, takes my hand and smiles.

She throws the cards aside.

This time, she doesn't need Cinna.

The girl on fire has found her flame again…

**A/N - For me, this feels more like a filler chapter, but a necessary one none the less to move the story ahead, hope you all enjoy! **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N - Hey there awesome peoples! This chapter came much more quickly than the last, I've had it planned for a while so it was fun to write. Hope you all enjoy. PS...it's the longest chapter yet! **

The spotlight is always so much brighter when it's directed right at you.

My palms start to sweat. I have confidence flowing through my veins, I'm ready to face this crowd, this sentence I've given myself over to on my terms. But still seconds tick by…

I have nothing to say.

I'm ready to take on the world but without a plan. Plutarch clears his throat in the back of the room and gives me a pointed look. A glance out of the corner of my eye tells me Peeta is concerned. Words are stuck in my throat. The weight of hundreds of eyes watching me from many different screens presses down on me heavily.

"We need five minutes," Peeta says.

Paylor steps forward and nods; Peeta starts to guide me off the stage after making some general comment to the screens in front of us. I see Plutarch hit the kill switch for the live feeds.

"Are you kidding me? We have this prepared for now!" Plutarch rages. "All you have to do is read the cards!"

Paylor steps in the cut Plutarch off as he closes in on me, his eyes flashing with anger. "Last time I checked I'm in charge of this party and as President of Panem if I say the girl can have a five minute break then you can back off."

The room is silent and Plutarch casts a quick glance around before backing off and going back to the wall of screens. Peeta and I slip out silently without a backward glance.

"I have an idea," Peeta says once we get out into the hallway.

I feel all the adrenaline draining out of my body and though it's only been moments, it's worn me out. I'm ready for today to be over. "What?" I ask and I see Peeta actually looks excited; he not only has an idea but a good one.

Haymitch emerges from the room. "What are you two doing?" he asks, looking like he's about to beat us both for the stunt we just pulled in the room.

"We need a single video communicator room," Peeta says to Haymitch.

Haymitch eyes us both for a quiet minute before jerking his head to the right and leading us to a nearby room. We slide into a room with more buttons and gadgets than I care to figure out. Haymitch powers the thing up and Peeta and I sit in front of the screen.

"Who you wanting to call?" Haymitch asks as the list of people with access to other video communication comes up.

"Beetee," Peeta says and I feel my heart flop in my chest.

While the plan of the bomb was undoubtedly Gale's, Beetee has had his own hands in the bomb that killed Prim. Haymitch raises an eyebrow but says nothing as he puts a few numbers in and the screen goes live somewhere else.

A minute goes by before a face appears. "Peeta?" Beetee says in surprise, squinting through his eyeglasses. "And Katniss, too?" he says and instantly I can see his whole demeanor change.

He knows. He knows he's responsible for killing my sister. Viciously, I hope it haunts his nightmares. I hope he knows even a fraction of the pain I'll never be rid of. Peeta and Beetee are talking but I don't listen. All I can see is the explosion I couldn't stop and my own sister, the one I'd been trying to protect from the beginning, going up in flame…

"Katniss!" Peeta yells and I jump.

I realize I'm crying and I wipe the tears away, casting a glare at Beetee on the other side of the screen. "I'm sorry, Katniss, if I would have known that was to be the fate of it, I never would have made it," Beetee says quietly and I realize he is not to blame. There's only one person who is, and I need the world to know why she was no better than Snow. The only way I'll ever get that is for Gale to make a statement to the public and I know he'd never do that.

"Now, pay attention, the brains of this operation actually has a good idea," Haymitch prods, nodding to Peeta.

I sigh and try to focus. "Okay," I say.

Peeta nods then continues. "So, basically what I'm getting to is Beetee can access all the saved videos from tortures, secret meetings that were taped for posterity's sake and we can use them."

"Not just for the Capitol, but also for district thirteen," Beetee adds.

It takes me a few minutes to put all this together, especially with Beetee's added comment about being able to access district thirteen's footage as well. My face lights up and suddenly I see Peeta's plan clearly and it's brilliant. I turn towards him and see him smile and I grab his face and kiss him deeply.

"You're amazing!" I comment and suddenly my mind is racing with ideas, with the implications of what this could mean.

The world is going to know Coin killed Prim, they're going to know what happened to Peeta and Johanna, they're going to know how Coin wanted me dead as much as Snow did…

"Beetee, I know you can break into the programming, can you keep me on audio while you're playing videos?" I ask, feeling all my confidence expand into an impenetrable shield.

"Of course," Beetee says with a nod.

Peeta is beaming, he knows this will be perfect too and I could kiss him again for being so smart.

"Beetee, one more thing, look up Caesar Flickerman in the Capitol archives and if you find something that you think needs shared, put it on screen. I'll improvise with whatever you're playing. Haymitch, you stay here and watch him, if anyone tries to interfere with what he's doing I want you to let me know. Beetee, if that happens I need you to be ready to flick one switch so live feed goes to you and the world can see what people are willing to do to cover the truth up," I direct as I notice a box of communicators across the room.

I grab them and give one to Haymitch, slide one in my ear and give one to Peeta. "You two get back before they come looking for you," Haymitch says, smiling.

His tributes, still fighting and winning. Although, I think it's safe to say we've become more than that. We're family and we'll do whatever it takes to protect each other.

"Stay alive," he says with a wink before taking a seat in front of the screen.

Peeta and I leave and go back down the hallway. I can feel my heart racing but I can also feel Peeta beside me and I know I can do this.

"This is going to work," Peeta says and for once I can see we are both smiling.

"I know."

I don't know what will happen after this broadcast, we could be heroes or enemies. I prepare for the worst. Before we walk in the door I stop and turn to face Peeta.

"Whatever happens in there, I just want you to know, I wouldn't be here without you," I say and my face turns serious.

Peeta looks like he wants to avoid this but he meets my eyes. "Katniss, I…"

He seems at a loss for words and decides to kiss me instead. His lips are warm and soft and I melt against him. If this is the last moment I have with him, I don't want to forget it. After lingering for several moments we break apart and we both turn and face the door before going back in to face where we go from here.

As we walk in, the arguing inside seems to die down. I smile at the crowd as I walk up to the stage and pick up the cards I'd tossed aside earlier. The light is blinding but my hands are steady.

I give a little laugh. "Sorry, not used to this being on camera thing," I say and the crowd at large gives a little laugh. I can see a curious Johanna in the crowd and I'm sure she'll be pleased with what I'm about to do.

I look down at my cards as Plutarch gives me a glare from the back of the room and turns the feeds back on. I can see the relief cross the crowds in the squares. Just now, I notice off to my left side is a screen that I can see broadcasting the live feed and I'm glad I'll be able to see what Beetee is putting across the screen so I can speak accordingly.

"Let's get this party started," Haymitch says in my ear and I smile towards the screens.

"My apologies," I say into the microphone before turning my attention to the cards in my hands and the gag worthy speech it contains. "People of Panem, I come before you today as just another victim of war. We've all lost people close to us and suffer together as a nation. Together, we must remember that our recovery will take time and we are all working hard to ensure this nation's recovery."

"Ugh, is that really what it says?" Haymitch says with a gag in my ear and I resist the urge to laugh.

I look up at the screens and see some people rolling their eyes in the squares. I smile and drop my hands, letting my speech fall the floor before grabbing the microphone off the pole and sitting the pole aside.

"Let's not kid ourselves here," I start. I see Plutarch reach for the kill switch, I see Paylor eye him darkly with her hand gripped tightly around the gun strapped to her side. Plutarch moves his hand away and folds them together. "We've lost family, we've lost friends, we've lost the glue that holds us together. I've watched too many people die and I know you have to. I know things aren't perfect and we want them to be. I know many of you hate me for killing Coin. But I'm here today to show you many things you think you may know about the Capitol, about district thirteen that you in fact don't really know…"

I see the screen flicker and I see footage of a young Caesar Flickerman watching his fiancé be tortured to death. I didn't give Beetee enough credit because as the camera footage zooms in on Caesar's face as he begs for her mercy Beetee flips up a picture of the Caesar Flickerman we all know so everyone knows exactly who that is. I can't watch what they're doing to her, I'll fall apart and I can't afford that right now.

"Caesar Flickerman, taken from the woods a half mile from district thirteen along with his pregnant fiancé, though he didn't know that at the time, and taken to the Capitol for interrogation. Although, interrogation really ended up as his fiancé being tortured to death in front of him with promises of mercy if he gave them information they wanted. And then, the mercy never came and they killed her in front of him.

"Afterwards, the son he didn't even know was alive was brought in and he was forced to be what he's been his whole life."

The scene of Caesar with President Snow and the baby take place. I have to admit, I'd half thought Caesar had been lying to save his own skin but I guess I couldn't argue with footage from the Capitol's own archives.

Another scene pops up.

"It's not working, we left the boy there to get captured by the Capitol to give the girl reason to fight but she refuses to do anything. If she doesn't agree to be the Mockingjay, Plutarch, I'll kill you myself," Coin says as she throws a folder in front of a scared looking Plutarch sitting at the desk.

"I have an idea, President, I could let slip to some higher up Capitol employees that we need to get the boy on TV, to give her reason to believe he can still be saved. She'll fight for that," Plutarch scrambles as he stutters.

Coin considers it. "That may work. You have until the end of the week."

The screen flicks back to me and I can see the anger boiling under my skin. They'd left him there on purpose. I see Peeta has gone rigid and pure anger is flowing through his eyes as he glares at the back of the room and I don't even need to guess who that look is aimed at.

"Speak, you might be surprised but you have to not act like it," Haymitch whispers when I don't say anything for a few minutes.

"If you all thought you would have been anything more than another piece of a game with Coin at the helm, you're dead wrong, she was no better than Snow, however she thought she was much more secretive about it."

Another screen pops up and again it's Plutarch and Coin discussing sending Peeta to the Capitol when we need a replacement soldier to kill me.

"She wanted me dead, she wanted me broken just as she would have wanted the same for all of you. District thirteen, your president wasn't the person you thought she was."

Screens flicker again and it's Gale and Beetee discussing some of the new weapons they have developed with Coin. After they leave the room, Coin calls in Plutarch and discusses these options with him. Turns out, they'd known exactly what was in front of the presidents' mansion and they knew I was close.

"I will not have her steal all the glory," Coin says, banging her fist against the table. "Put her beloved sister on that hovercraft for the rescue attempt and take them all out. I win after that."

"She killed my sister," I hear myself saying, my voice full of anger but I manage to hold myself together. "She would have killed any of you to get what she wanted as well, just like Snow."

Screens flicker between Snow watching as those he wanted things from were tortured and killed and just as many that Coin sat by and watched tortured and killed for information from the Capitol. They'd been kidnapping Capitol citizens for years.

The last few scenes are pictures of Peeta and Johanna being tortured, laughing as they torture Johanna when they know she knows nothing. Watching as Peeta is injected with tracker jacker venom and screaming in fear in anger when they show him images of me.

The screen goes back to me and I find myself crying again, and this time I'm not going to wipe them away. I don't have to be perfect anymore.

"Many have died, but so many others will live because of how far we've come. We have to pull ourselves together." I glance at Peeta and see he's still hanging on and smiles as I take his hand. "If Peeta can pull himself from that to this then we can all keep fighting a little longer to make it past this. We cannot wait for the Capitol to feed us, house us, hold us together, we have to do it ourselves. Because the last time we let this government take everything, too many innocent lives were lost. Don't let this happen again, Panem."

Peeta wraps his arm around my waist and motions to see if he can have the microphone. I hand it to him and notice guards are putting Plutarch in handcuffs. If looks could kill I'd be dead. I give him a triumphant smile. Paylor looks relieved she can finally be rid of him. Johanna has disappeared.

"We will be touring the districts for the next few weeks, helping out where we can. And we have another surprise for you. The Capitol is just as desperate to help but unfortunately many of the citizens have never been trained on labor. They will be going to training courses for each districts specialties and will be sent out to help with recovery efforts."

All the screens erupt in cheers except for the Capitol's city square screen but I can't feel sorry for them. It's not like we've just sentenced them to death.

"And since Plutarch has just been arrested for conspiracy to commit murder on several counts," Peeta says, smiling wider. "He will be happy to be the first to volunteer for fertilizing all the fields to help grow food."

A guard brings Plutarch up on stage and Peeta pulls his arm up in the air. However, his hands are handcuffed together so it looks like a completely depressing victory. The crowds all laugh, and since the purpose was to completely humiliate Plutarch, I feel like we've definitely won. I eye Paylor in the background, looking weary but satisfied to see the districts feeling united.

I take the microphone back from Peeta. "And please, Panem, have faith in your President. She's seen what we all see; she's scarred just as we are. She will continue to set up this government so we keep all the freedoms we deserve."

The screen flickers again and several of Paylor's meetings where she's tirelessly fighting for the people and showing compassion on many who don't deserve it, showing her to be the good person I know she is. Especially when she's not going to have to deal with Plutarch anymore. While those screens are running I look at Peeta and smile. This could have gone badly if Paylor hadn't stepped in, but for once we caught a break. It worked. We are going to be okay.

I hug him tightly.

"Uh, you're on screen again," Haymitch prods.

I turn back to the screen, blushing. The faces on the screens look much less bleak than they did when we started. In fact, many in the crowds have joined hands.

"Thank you for giving us your time," Peeta says into the microphone.

"We'll see you all soon!" I add before Paylor hits the kill switch and the crowd into the room erupts into applause.

"Well, who knew you could win fights with more than just a bow," Haymitch says in the earpiece and I roll my eyes.

Paylor comes up through the crowd as the guards take a cursing Plutarch out to go to lockup.

"Not exactly what I had in mind, but I think it worked," Paylor says, shaking both our hands and smiling. "And thanks for giving me exactly what I needed to get that airbag out of my hair."

Peeta and I both laugh. "No problem."

The room wants to celebrate and Peeta and I stay for a little bit but when we both start to feel overwhelmed, we slip out. Halfway out of the mansion we run into Johanna, where she's been standing quietly against a wall. "Nice job, mockingjay."

I shrug. "It was Peeta's idea," I say then hastily add, "Sorry about having to show some of that stuff."

She glances at me and I can see she's shaken but she's holding together. "It made your point, and well," she says and she doesn't look angry. "So, you're leaving again?" she asks as she pushes away from the wall.

As she says that, suddenly looking defensive, I realize something I didn't think Johanna was able to feel. She's lonely. "Not without you," I say and I don't miss the look of elation in her eyes before she rolls them.

"Like I'd take you up on that deal," she says with a scoff.

If I do nothing more than get her back home, I'll be happy. Johanna deserves some happiness in her life too. "Fine then, stay here and hang out with all the airheads," I say and turn to walk away.

We've taken several steps before Johanna runs up. "Well, we both know you need a bodyguard, without a bow you're useless," Johanna says, looking up loftily. "I guess I could come along for that. I mean, I did make a pact to keep you alive and all."

Peeta starts to smile but it disappears when Johanna looks at both us. "Great, we're going to have to listen to your bad jokes the whole time," I groan and Johanna looks satisfied with herself.

..

..

..

..

"Are we taking him too?" Peeta asks, nodding towards the door.

On the other side is Caesar and he's been quiet since we made it back from the mansion. I know he saw the broadcast so I leave him alone.

"I guess so," I say, staring out of the window.

Peeta joins me and I slide my arm around him. "I feel like it's over this time, Peeta."

He wraps his arms around me and pulls me close to him. "Maybe this time it is."

"I'm ready to go home," I whisper as I lay my head against his shoulder.

Peeta runs his fingers through my hair. "Soon."

I close my eyes and he leads us back to the bed. It's been a long day and I'm tired so I don't resist. I lie down beside him and let my body relax. Prim floats to the forefront of my thoughts and the all too familiar pain digs into my chest. I miss her so much. I thought it would make it easier to know for sure who made the plans that lead to her death, but it isn't. Knowing she was killed just to take me out of the picture makes me feel guiltier. Knowing Peeta was left in the arena on purpose makes me want to throw up. Why did they hate me so much?

"How could a teenage girl have been such a threat?" I ask and Peeta wraps his fingers around mine.

"I don't know," he answers and we both lie in silence until we fall asleep.

**A/N - Thanks for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N - Hey there! So, so sorry for the long update time. Work, kids, Christmas prep, sick, you know...it all adds up! Few notes - 1. Again, you guys are seriously blowing my mind with all the wonderous favorites, follows, reviews, messages...etc...THANK YOU ALL! 2. Sorry if I freaked anyone out with the last chapter, it was not the end and believe me...you will definitely know when the end is. I have many more chapters coming for this story. 3. I know it's taken a week (maybe more?) to get this chapter up and I apologize but again, I have to say, this will be the last chapter up before the New Year at the earliest. Going to be a busy girl in the real life for the next week or so. 4. THANK YOU AGAIN. You guys make my day with every review/favorite/follow etc! THANK YOU! **

**Katniss POV**

"I have something for you," Peeta says, pulling me from my thoughts.

I am glad he is back, he'd just gone to check on Haymitch but he'd been gone for a while and even though we are just on the train, I couldn't help the panic that rose when he was gone for too long. No matter what I'd said the night before we left, I couldn't let myself think it was over. I am always ready for the other shoe to drop.

I figure my life will always be an uphill battle of pain and suffering. Since I've had no reason to think otherwise so far, I am sticking to that assumption for now.

"What?" I say, smiling as he sits beside me.

He holds out a small box and I open it. I smile instantly and just as quickly almost cry. It's the pearl he'd given me in the second games, but he's drilled a hole through it and made it into a necklace. He's also added my mockingjay pin, Prim's silver ring I'd bought her when she was seven, and a piece of metal he's fashioned into a bow and hooked onto the necklace.

I know to get Prim's ring and the pearl he's been roaming my house on the nights he's stayed there when he can't sleep but I can't bring myself to care. They'd all been stored in various places to be kept safe but this seemed like the best solution.

"Thank you," I say, choked up as he pulls it out of the box.

"You're welcome," he replies and I kiss him.

I can feel a deep warmth stirring every time I kiss him recently and I feel like parts of my heart are mending. When that thought occurs to me, I can only then feel terrified that I'm going to lose it. I have this desperate, compulsive need to have Peeta in eyesight at all times; a fact which I'm sure he finds obnoxious and laborious though he hides it well.

We've just left district one after being there for two weeks. As far as war damage, they seemed to be doing okay. Their greatest tasks were keeping the district thirteen people and the pampered people of district one from killing each other as they attempted to rebuild. I left feeling like it was a battle that was far from over but that we'd made a difference.

Peeta knew our next stop was going to be hard. District two, supposedly where Gale was last time I'd heard. Before we'd left the Capitol my mother had made it clear in no uncertain terms that she would not be forgiving Gale either, some scars were too deep. Since I'd been in district two for an extended period of time before I figured there was enough places to go that running into Gale seemed like it wasn't a real possibility but there still was a possibility. I was finally able to get through a day without falling apart at just a whisper of Prim's name. I had a feeling seeing him again would ruin all that progress.

Since we'd just been in district one and with the money we both still have from winning the games Peeta could have easily bought something from there for me. The fact that he made it himself out of things that matter to me makes me realize how well he really does know me. He knows none of the fancy gifts in district one would have meant anything to me, but this necklace…I'll never take it off.

He takes it from me and fastens it around my neck before sinking back into the chair with me. It's been a long day and I'm tired. We should be arriving in district two soon but we have been going over the politics and conditions in two all day and my brain is mush.

"Katniss?" Peeta asks with hesitation in his voice.

"Hmm?" I reply but don't move.

Laying against him has warmed me up and I can feel my eyes closing. "You don't think they suffered, do you?"

I'm confused. "Who?"

He's quiet for a moment before he answers. "My…my family, my brothers, my father…and my mother?"

He's never talked about family dying before. I never pry, his home life was difficult in its own way and I figure if he wants to talk about it, he will. "I don't know, Peeta. The bakery was completely gone, I'd assume if they were in it they died instantly."

At least, that's what I'm going to tell him. Not just because I believe it, but because Peeta has enough scars in his heart, he doesn't need more. Every time I look at him, I just wish I could glue him back together, bring the innocence back in his eyes. Peeta had not been innocent in a lot of ways, many of those thanks to his mother, but there was something pure and wonderful about him before that I don't think he'll ever truly get back. There's a door we go through that locks behind us and we can't get the piece of ourselves that we leave behind it back.

I still love him regardless because under all that there is still the boy with the bread that continually saves my life and is there when no one else is.

My eyes widen as I suddenly realized that I'd just admitted that I love Peeta. It was only in my head but still, those words had never come together in a complete thought in regards to Peeta before. I look up at him as I realize that the physical need I have to be close to him is not just fears from the past but something deeper. Something that fills my soul when only he's there.

However, I can tell by looking at him that he's not having the same mind melting thoughts. "What's wrong?" I ask, noticing the dark look on his face.

He startles from his thoughts and glances at me, muttering a quick "nothing" before gazing out the window. Yeah, nothing wrong there.

"You're going to have to do better than that," I say, giving him a look as he turns his head back towards me.

He considers for a moment before finally sighing. "I can't make myself feel sad my mother is gone. It's wrong and it bothers me."

I can't tell how I feel about that. The few times I'd seen his mother it hadn't taken much to realize she was not a happy woman and she took it out on those around her. On the other hand, it was his mother. Although, I could find myself relating to his feelings, I couldn't say I'd be completely devastated if my mother died. I realize this with a jolt and wonder if I'm a horrible person as well.

However, I haven't ever felt very connected to my mother, when my father died that distance increased by miles. Now that Prim was gone, I almost felt no connection to her at all. Our interactions in the Capitol had been terse, bordering on uncomfortable. One would think after not seeing their daughter for almost a year a mother would be overjoyed to see her daughter but I just hadn't felt it from my mother. I didn't dislike her, but there was a distance between us that seemed too far to fill now. So, I couldn't imagine if she was gone it would crush me like Prim's death had, or my father's. I would be sad, but life would go on.

I must have been thoughtful too long because I can see Peeta's expression turning to despair. "I knew it, I'm a horrible person," he says, turning back toward the window. "Was I like this before?" he wonders aloud almost too quietly to hear.

It hits me then what really is bothering Peeta. He's still struggling to bring himself back together and remember who he was. He hates the parts of himself that were altered, he still feels weak and broken.

"Peeta," I say softly and he rolls his eyes like he's already dismissing what I'm about to say as invalid.

This does nothing but instantly make me angry. "Peeta Mellark, I don't know much about your mother but from what I do know she was not ever a good mother to you and I for one will admit that I am glad she's not on this earth any more to torture you. So if you're a bad person, then we'll just both be bad people," I say with a huff.

It takes a minute but Peeta finally relaxes and laughs. "I have no idea why that should make me feel better, but it kinda does."

I smile but then turn serious. "Really, Peeta, just because she was your mother doesn't mean you have to love her no matter what, even children deserve respect, and it doesn't sound like you ever got it."

He sighs. "It's one thing to not be sad; it's another thing to be glad she's gone. This can't really be me, Katniss."

I don't try and argue, it's a battle with his conscience that I won't be able to win unless I agree that he's a horrible person which I most certainly do not agree with. I see in him the Peeta he always was, I think the real battle Snow won was taking away his ability to see it. He constantly questions his every motive, the smallest feeling of hatred or anger he immediately thinks it's Snow's doing. He thinks he'll never be rid of the poison. In reality, he's feeling perfectly normal emotions, but I wonder if he'll ever see it that way again.

Either way, I prepare to let this be a battle I'll fight for a long time to come.

The train slows down and I feel dread settle deep in the pit of my stomach. Gale has to know I'm coming; will he try to see me or avoid it as much as I hope he will? At least it seems to have distracted Peeta as I see concern etched on his face.

"You don't have to do this, Katniss," he says and I'm worried that my discomfort with the whole situation is so evident.

I try to shrug it off. "What's to worry about, he knows how I feel about it. He probably won't even be out while we're here," I say nonchalantly.

Peeta purses his lips together but says nothing. I can see he's mentally preparing for the meltdown that will happen if we do happen to see Gale and I'm sure until we leave district two, relaxing is going to be far from possible for me.

Peeta wraps his arms around me and I close my eyes and sink against him. I breathe in the smell of fresh soap and as I press my forehead against his chest I feel like I'm taking in all the strength he has and for a few minutes, I feel like everything is going to be okay.

_You love him_, my brain taunts and I feel like screaming at it. Doesn't it realize that loving people only leads to inevitably losing them at some point? I can't lose someone else, especially not him, especially not now. He's all I have left; he's every bit of glue holding me together. Without him I'd have nothing left and I'd truly have no reason left to live on this earth. I think I'd actually succeed in starving myself to death.

"You can't leave me," I whisper before I even realize it's coming out of my mouth.

At the same time I realize my hands are curled into fists in his shirt.

"I'm not going to," Peeta says soothingly, running his hand through my hair.

I shake my head against his chest and look up at him. "No, I can't…I don't know how to live without you, Peeta." Then something entirely disturbing hits me. "He was right?"

"Who?" Peeta asks, looking confused.

"Gale, he said I'd pick whoever I can't survive without," I repeat and I can see the guilt on Peeta's face at the knowledge that I heard that conversation. But Gale had been right, and Peeta had been right not to disagree with him, because here I was demanding that he knew I couldn't survive without him and that he could never leave because of it.

"Katniss, if I wasn't here, you'd survive perfectly fine without me. I have no doubt you could feed yourself, wake up, bathe, and even maintain some kind of a social life. The difference between not being able to survive without someone and not being able to live without someone is two entirely different things."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't try and make it sound better than what it is. It's the same thing."

Peeta shrugged. "I don't think so, not being able to live without someone means you'd literally be so torn apart you'd have no idea how to function. There would be nothing left of who you were before."

It sounds tempting to agree with him but I still feel like it's basically the same thing. Living, surviving, what's the difference anyways?

_But there is a difference; you've finally admitted that you love him._ Maybe so but I've yet to admit it to him, as far as he knows I'm just selfish and can't let him go. In that case, what he said came out of the pure goodness of his heart and his inability to let me feel guilty about anything because _he l_oves _me._ I shake my head and pull away because this whole internal debate is giving me a headache.

The train stops and I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. It's all going to be fine, I'm freaking out for no reason.

I give Peeta a hug then we separate to change for our appearance. We have to make a small entrance for the cameras then we're going to our living arrangements for the next couple weeks and get to relax for the rest of the evening. Since I'm worn out, mostly emotionally, I'm glad this is all we have on our plates today because it's all I'll be able to handle.

I meet Peeta outside my room a few minutes later; get fluffed at by Effie while Haymitch rolls his eyes.

"Enough, Effie, you're cutting into our later activities," Haymitch says with raised eyebrows and Effie's face blushes bright red.

Peeta gags and it takes me a minute before I figure out what's going on.

I look from Haymitch to Effie a few times before I shake my head. "Ew," I say and Haymitch laughs.

"Oh, he's just kidding," Effie says, her face still red as she ushers us towards the doors.

I have to admit that now that Effie has toned down the makeup and clothes due to shortages she's actually very pretty. Since the war, making fancy makeup and clothing hasn't really been priority one of the districts. Did I ever picture Haymitch and Effie…together? Again my thoughts revolt against the whole idea and I decide I do not want to know any more.

I shudder as I take Peeta's hand and I can see he's laughing. I can't help but join in and the doors open to a cheering crowd as we're laughing.

I choke on my own laugh because the first face I see is one I'd hoped all this time so desperately to not see. Of course he came, why wouldn't he?

As soon as Peeta and I walk through the door, hand in hand and laughing, a smirk passes over Gale's face like he's enjoying his own joke and I instantly feel my anger spark. It's not because he's there, because in the back of my mind I knew he would be, but I know that look on his face. The look that says I'm still being a good little mockingjay and playing whatever story I've been given. The look that says me holding Peeta's hand is fake. The look that says I'm fake.

I never thought I'd feel hatred towards Gale. I could never be near him again because all he would be was a constant reminder of Prim's death but hate…I'd never thought that. Now, I do. Now, I see Gale for everything he always was, self-righteous and judgmental.

I hate him.

I feel a hand tighten around mine and I snap my attention to Peeta who has also seen Gale.

_Are you okay?_ he mouths.

I nod and smile.

I have Peeta and I'm going to be just fine.

Gale's judgment holds no power over me anymore.

Peeta smiles and kisses me in front of the whole crowd.

Yes, I'm going to be okay.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

"Ah, so refreshing to see nothing has changed."

I knew he was coming; I had Peeta go ahead to the house we were staying in anticipation of it. He didn't need to be a part of this scene. Because I knew Gale, he couldn't let it go; he'd have to rub it in that he was right.

"Meaning?" I say, turning towards him.

He saunters closer and I can smell alcohol on his breath. It makes me gag but I keep my face straight.

"The star crossed lovers from district twelve," he says, laughing at the end like he still finds the joke incredibly amusing.

I arch an eyebrow. "And I see you've fallen into the role of town drunk, how refreshing," I shoot back, watching as he stumbles.

All the anger I feel is melting away. Clearly, he has enough demons he's drinking away; I don't need to project my own anger on him.

"At least I'm doing what I want," he says with a triumphant tone and a fist thrown haphazardly in the air.

I nod. "Good for you," I reply, leaning against the wall behind me.

Gale steps closer and places his arm against the wall behind me to steady himself. Though I'd felt sorry for him, he is a little too close for comfort but I stand my ground. I'd learned from Haymitch that drunks can be unpredictable so my guard was up.

"You know, you could be happy with me," he says, breathing alcohol in my face and I can't help but choke a little.

"I'm perfectly happy now, without alcohol stinking up the place," I say, pushing against his chest to get him out of my face but he barely budges.

Instead, he leans down a few more inches and I shrink back against the wall as far as I can go. I look around the street. I've been stupid and let myself get backed into a corner. Hunter instincts were a little rusty, apparently.

He snorts. "You don't love him," he says with a laugh and now it's definite, Gale is way too close.

"I do love him, Gale. I'm sorry, I wish I'd known how to tell you a long time ago, I wish I'd realized it a long time ago. We could have avoided a lot of awkwardness," I say and I watch as Gale's expression turns black. I feel like I should be afraid but I'm more concerned that I'm telling Gale I love Peeta before I'm telling Peeta.

Something feels wrong about that.

I'm too distracted to notice Gale has turned angry very quickly and before I see his arm move, my arm is painfully locked in his grip as he leans against me. "He's nothing," Gale sneers and I try and block his hand as he reaches for my face but he's unusually strong…or maybe I'm unusually weak.

Either way, my face is pointed up at his and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.

"You made me look like a fool in front of the whole country," he says, growling in anger.

I never really thought about what my video montage would do to Gale but I can see how it would make him look bad to everyone. I wonder if it's what turned him into a newly made drunk.

It doesn't stop the pain in my arm or jaw where his hands are locked.

"I'm sorry," I choke out.

"No you're not," he growls and I can feel his hand getting tighter around my throat.

I'm starting to get dizzy when suddenly Gale is ripped away from me and I hear a solid whack before I see Gale on the ground and Peeta standing in front of me, breathing heavily, his hands still curled in fists.

"Stay away from her," he hisses.

Gale scrambles to his feet and I can see he's gearing for a fight, one which Peeta is not backing down from. Someone stumbles out into the alleyway from a door and vomits into the street. After he vomits profusely, he wipes his mouth with his sleeve and looks up to see the scene in front of him.

"Hey, Gale, wahsssts goin' on here," the vomiting man says, slurring his words.

Gale looks between Peeta's murderous gaze and my unforgiving one before shaking his head.

"Nothing," he says to the vomiting man. "Let's go."

He heads back into the door the man had left from.

Peeta doesn't relax until the door closes behind Gale and even then he silently takes my hand and we go back to the small house we're staying in. After we walk through the door and shut it securely behind us Peeta pulls me against him and I almost can't breathe from how tight his arms are around me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know he would…" I start to say but Peeta cuts me off.

"Shh," he says and suddenly I'm just as dizzy as I was short time ago from lack of air but this time because Peeta's lips are pressed to mine and seem like they're going to stay there.

All the mixed emotions I'd felt talking to Gale suddenly morph into a deep need for Peeta and I wrap my hands around his neck and deepen our kiss. I feel something stirring deep in my stomach and as we break apart for air, I see something primal brewing in Peeta's eyes.

His hand slides into mine and he leads us through the house to the bedroom.

**A/N - YIKES! SOOOO, don't hate Gale or me...this is NOT the last time we will see him. He's a sad guy, you know? And um, this chapter wrote itself pretty quickly and got edited very quickly so forgive me if there are some more errors than normal. Lastly...sorry for the cliffy...see you guys again soon! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! **


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